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Affinity
February, 2005 |
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Valentine
Issue! |  |
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Affirmation: Gay & Lesbian Mormons—Serving Gay & Lesbian Mormons and Their Family and Friends Since 1977
Alyson Bolles |
Editorial: The Ups and Downs of Valentine's Day
By Alyson Bolles, Senior Assistant Director
It seems a bit silly to celebrate love on a certain day, does it not? Sure, it can be fun for school kids to exchange cards and all that jazz, but there is always a self-consciousness that accompanies that card or gift. At least when I was growing up, we had to bring a Valentine for everyone in the class. That meant the girls, too. I always liked that part. I remember in 3rd grade giving out my valentines but saving one Wonder Woman card with the red heart drawn on the back to give to that special girl on the playground--only to chicken out and place it on the stack of cards already on her desk.
It doesn't matter if one is young or old, in a relationship or not - Valentine's Day can still suck. I'm lucky to be off the hook. My partner, after having owned a florist shop for years, HATES Valentine's Day. Well, maybe not the day but most definitely red roses. And baby's breath? Forget it! Now, this doesn't mean I can get away with being a total Valentine's Day bah-humbug. I do like being romantic. After all, February 14 comes about three quarters of the way through the Pacific Northwest winter. I'll take any excuse to cuddle by a fire with my partner--even Valentine's Day.
What is Valentine's Day, really, besides a day for single folks to feel down and those in relationships to feel obligated? I did a little research on this Saint Valentine fellow. According to one legend, Valentinus ignored a decree from Emperor Claudius II that forbade all marriages and betrothals. Caught in the act of secretly conducting several wedding ceremonies, Valentinus was imprisoned and sentenced to death. There is more to the story and the history of Valentine's Day, but putting this spin on it certainly fits the present times for gays and lesbians. Someone recognized that honoring love by recognizing committed relationships does have a place and was willing to put his life on the line. Now, that seems worth celebrating.
In Love Made Visible
by May Swenson
In love are we made visible
As in a magic bath
are unpeeled
to the sharp pit
so long concealed
With love's alertness
we recognize
the soundless whimper
of the soul
behind the eyes
A shaft opens
and the timid thing
at least leaps to surface
with full-spread wing
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The fingertips of love discover
more than the body's smoothness
They uncover a hidden conduit
for the transfusion
of empathies that circumvent
the mind's intrusion
In love we are set free
Objective bone
and flesh no longer insulate us
to ourselves alone
We are released
and flow into each other's cup
Our two frail vials pierced
drink each other up |
May Swenson (1913-1989), who was a lesbian Mormon, is one of the most renowned American poets of the 20th century.
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Alyson Bolles, Olin Thomas, and James Morris
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Affirmation Responds to Pres. Hinckley
In view of recent statements made by LDS President Gordon B. Hinckley, the Executive Committee of Affirmation: Gay and Lesbian Mormons has issued the following statement:
As gay and lesbian Mormons, we are confused by recent statements made by Gordon B. Hinckley, President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In a recent CNN interview with Larry King, President Hinckley claimed he is not anti-gay, but rather pro-family. This claim seems inconsistent with the Church's support, including extensive political fund-raising, for initiatives which would ensure that gay and lesbian couples can not be legally recognized as families. The laws which the Church supports would allow hospitals to deny visitation rights for partners and children of gay and lesbian patients, and could allow or even require the State to forcibly separate families and place the children of gay or lesbian partners into foster care upon the death of the biological parent. The laws that make such circumstances possible do not protect families. They single out gay households and punish both parents and children.
The question is not whether or not there will be gay and lesbian families. Such families are already a reality. The question is whether President Hinckley and the Church will find the charity in their hearts to allow these families to peacefully co-exist with other types of families. In another interview with Larry King, in September of 1998, President Hinckley was asked about another type of family that was in the news in Utah at the time --the polygamous one. His response to Larry King was "It's a matter of civil procedure. The church can't do anything. We have no authority in this matter, none whatever." If polygamy, which the Latter-day Saints believe is now expressly forbidden by revelation, is not the Church's business but a civil matter, why would same-sex civil marriage be such a concern to the Church?
For years President Hinckley has said that he feels love and compassion for gays and lesbians. One way to show that would be to not oppose gay families, the vast majority of whom are not even Mormon, allowing them to have the same protection under law that his own family has enjoyed. Would President Hinckley have Justice remove her blind fold and judge who is worthy of her protection? We encourage him to let Justice's blindfold stay in place. It would be better for all of us that way.
Olin Thomas, Alyson Bolles, James Morris, and Hugo Salinas
Executive Committee
Affirmation: Gay and Lesbian Mormons
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“Are our suicides an acceptable price we pay
for remaining chaste? This rhetoric is not just irresponsible--it
is just plain deadly.”
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“In Quiet Desperation”: An Open Letter to Marilyn Matis
by Jason Clark
January 2005
Three months ago, Deseret Book published In Quiet Desperation,
a new book with two candid accounts revolving around gay Mormon experience.
In the following letter, an Affirmation member describes his reaction to the
first part of the book, written by the mother of gay Mormon suicide
Stuart Matis.
Dear Sister Matis:
I just finished reading the first part of the book In Quiet Desperation,
which you published through Deseret Book. I come to you as one who has
had a close gay LDS friend commit suicide. I mourn the death of my friend,
of your son, and of so many other gay Mormons who have taken their lives.
I think your account is honest and well-intentioned. I commend you for urging members to achieve "better understanding" (pg. 5). Thank you for reminding us that families "must be open in their discussion of same-sex attraction" (pg. 50). I particularly appreciated your cautious approach to so-called "reparative therapy," and I agree with you that "until we have a definite understanding of what causes same-sex attraction, all therapy becomes a guessing game" (pg. 10). And yet your account leaves me angry and disturbed.
From the 50 pages of your essay, it becomes clear that you and your husband did all the things that LDS leaders advise: You were compassionate and understanding; you were open to dialogue all through your son's turmoil; you encouraged him to remain chaste. Yet still your son committed suicide. Not only that--you received the impression, both through Elder Jeffrey R. Holland (pg. 40) and through a peaceful spiritual experience in the temple, that your son "would be all right" (pg. 18).
I don't know what we are supposed to conclude from your account, except that it is fine for chaste gay Mormons to experience years of suffering and end up dead on the steps of a stake center. Your story doesn't bring me the peace you say you experienced. On the contrary--it troubles me and makes me angry.
In one of the most troubling passages of your account, you say, "Although
losing our son was difficult, it has been comforting to know that he
was faithful to his temple covenants." (pg. 20). As a gay Mormon, what
am I supposed to conclude from this statement? That I should kill myself
rather than be sexually active? Your statement resonates with a troubling,
oft-quoted anecdote by Marion G. Romney. According to Elder Romney's
story, before leaving for his LDS mission, his father told him, "We
would rather come to this station and take your body off the train in
a casket than to have you come home unclean, having lost your virtue"
(Conference Report, October 1952, pg. 34.).
I do not want to brush off the importance of chastity. But I believe the time has come when LDS leaders have to tell us if they honestly believe that chastity, presumably as defined by the monogamous heterosexual model that the Church decided to embrace in 1890, is more important than life itself. If they say it is, then it appears to me they have sided not with life but with death.
The Deseret Book winter catalog says that your account "takes us into the heart and mind of parents who did all they could to assist their son to bear this heavy burden" (pg. 36). I am no one to judge whether you did all you could; my point is that the rhetoric of the Deseret Book sales pitch clearly aims to justify your son's death. Are our suicides an acceptable price we pay for remaining chaste? This rhetoric is not just irresponsible--it is just plain deadly.
If the Church could even start to intimate that homosexuality is not a challenge, but a gift from God, they could help to end overnight the pandemic of gay suicides. This would not be an easy step: Just as in 1978, when President Kimball received a revelation that allowed blacks to receive the priesthood, it could come only after much prayer, and it would have some embarrassing implications for past LDS statements and actions. But such a courageous step would provide a solution based on Christian principles and not on the ever-changing rhetoric of the Church.
Too many gay and lesbian Mormons are indeed in quiet desperation, living lonely lives and holding a second-class status in the Church. Before taking their own lives, these gay sons and lesbian daughters need to know that our Heavenly Father loves them unconditionally. They need to know that their lives are infinitely more precious than the 1890 Mormon standard of heterosexual monogamy. They need to understand that the Church may have a prophet, twelve apostles, and thousands of bishops, but "the keeper of the gate is the Holy One of Israel; and he employeth no servant there" (2 Nephi 9:41).
Respectfully,
Jason Clark
Announcement Regarding Your Affirmation
Membership
Dear Affirmation members:
We have been having some problems accessing the Affirmation database. While we fix the problem, please help us out by doing the following:
- If you know that your membership expired in October, November, December, or January, please send your dues to Affirmation, P.O. Box 46022 Los Angeles, CA 90042. Remember that our current dues structure is as follows: Students $15.00, Regular Membership $25.00, and Sustaining Membership is $50.00.
- If you have had any changes in your address information since October, please forward that to the same address.
Your help is greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Michael D. Miner
Affirmation Treasurer
Affirmation: Gay and Lesbian Mormons
P.O. Box 46022
Los Angeles, CA 90046
National Phone Line: (323) 255-7251
To see a directory of current Affirmation chapters, visit www.affirmation.org/chapters
Executive Director: Olin Thomas
Senior Assistant Director: Alyson Bolles
Assistant Director: James Morris
Associate Director & Affinity Editor: 
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