Learning Center / Miscellaneous Stories     

by R. Drew Smith

Religion. Few other words evoke such a wide array of emotions, thoughts and feelings. Whether an individual's response is positive, negative or somewhere in between, it cannot be denied that in one form or another religions have significantly shaped our world. They have united and divided peoples and nations. Wars have been fought over them and peace has been established by their influence. They have caused the deepest pain or provided the sweetest comfort. Their doors have been opened to some and closed to others. Just as religions have extensively impacted much of the history of this world for good or ill, so have they shaped or scarred the lives of many gays and lesbians.

Whether personally or professionally, anyone who is involved in helping gays and lesbians negotiate the sometimes rough road through life needs to be aware of the influence of religion. Obviously, addressing religious issues is not a concern that is unique to sexual minorities. However, the power of religion as it interacts with many other aspects of an individual's life is worth considering. For many gays and lesbians, religion has impacted the development of their identity, their relationship with their family of origin, their coming out process, and their own spirituality. Therefore, it should not be ignored or discounted.

Religion in Counseling

Anyone currently involved in any type of counseling is frequently reminded of the importance of addressing her or his clients' needs from a multicultural perspective. It appears that often the focus of any attempts to meet these needs is related to ethnicity. A broader understanding of culture would help counselors recognize the critical influence of many other cultural variables in a person's life. In fact, as Miranti (1996) points out, "the spiritual and/or religious dimensions inherent in each individual could possibly be the most salient cultural identity for a client" (p. 117). Religion crosses all ethnic and demographic boundaries to fundamentally influence thinking, feeling, behaving and even the meaning of life for many individuals. Therefore, many are recognizing the value of addressing religious issues in counseling (Haldeman, 1996; McDonald & Steinhorn, 1994; Pate & Bondi, 1992; Worthington, 1989).

In an exhaustive and articulate article about religion in counseling, Worthington (1989) identifies some key reasons why counselors should pay attention to the implications of religious faith. One of the reasons he promotes is that many people turn to religion when in crises but are also reluctant to bring up their religious considerations during therapy. This combined with the assertion that therapists are often not as religious as their clients and less informed about religion sets up a situation of disparity in the needs and practices of the client versus the beliefs and practices of the therapist. In fact, Peck (1978) goes as far as saying that "many psychiatrists and psychotherapists perceive religion as the Enemy" (p. 207). Even if this observation has only a small element of truth, it indicates an important issue to address in the practice of counseling. Education in this area is critical because "psychologists might expect involvement of religion in the cause and maintenance of, and in strategies for coping with, psychological problems in their clients" (Worthington, 1989, p. 557).

What is it about religion that affects people so deeply? One important aspect is the influence religion has on identity development (Pate & Bondi, 1992; Worthington, 1989). The embracing of religion is also a way for families, communities and cultures to explain the unexplainable. It establishes a set of morals or values around which they can center themselves or even explain their existence and reason for being (McDonald & Steinhorn, 1990; McNeill, 1988). Personal conduct is consequently judged by how one responds to these standards. Additionally, rituals, milestones and celebrations are often constructed around these religious beliefs and customs. Religion not only defines spirituality for an individual but also often influences fundamental beliefs about marriage, death, illness, and sexuality (McGoldrick, 1995). Religion supports, protects and becomes the lens through which the world is viewed (Sears, 1991).

Implications for Gays and Lesbians

The following observations in no way claim that others, regardless of sexual orientation, do not have similar experiences with religion. This focus simply highlights the added dimension of being gay or lesbian. Additionally, it is important to note that most research and references are limited to gays and lesbians, as is this work. However, it is probably safe to assume that bisexuals and transgendered individuals have similar feelings and experiences.

The effect that religion has had on any particular individual who is gay or lesbian often depends on the doctrines or beliefs held by their religion. These views fall on a continuum anywhere from rejection and punishment to tolerance or even full acceptance (Griffin, Wirth, & Wirth, 1996). Even though each individual's experience within this realm is unique, some common themes are present.

A common but sad theme among gays and lesbians is the belief that repression of their sexuality equates to love and acceptance from other important people and entities in their lives. As McNeill (1988) so aptly relates,

Because I was aware of my sexual feelings, I was tormented by the fear that, at the very heart of my being, there was a fatal flaw that rendered me defective and unlovable. I thought that I could be accepted by my family and Church only if I could hide, deny, and repress the specific form that my ability to love and sexual feelings had taken (p.6).

Gays and lesbians who come from an ethnic minority face a double dose of oppression. Because the dominant religion of an ethnic minority is often an intrinsic part of their culture, gays and lesbians in these communities are not only subjected to the oppression and discrimination from society because of their race and sexual orientation. Once their sexuality is revealed, there is also the very real fear of resulting rejection from the culture that has historically buffered and protected them. Isolation is an incredibly unfortunate result.

For example, the solution for some Asian gay males has been reported as "compartmentalization to fend off pressures from family and community in order to cope with being gay" (Bhugra, 1997, p. 556). Jaschke and Doi (1989) reported the reaction to the deeply religious family and upbringing of an Asian American was to become an atheist in order to escape the associated judgment and guilt. Latino traditions and customs are closely linked to the Catholic Church. The families of Latino gays and lesbians might view their sexuality as a betrayal of their cultural heritage (Garcia, 1998). Almeida (1996) explains the Islamic emphasis on procreative relationships because such are in the best interest of the community. There is therefore a strict condemnation of homosexual behavior, which serves to further isolate Muslim gays and lesbians. The often powerful and intense religious and spiritual component in African American culture serves to add internalized heterosexism to the already present internalized racism. Gays and lesbians in this culture might be viewed as adding yet another stigma to an already oppressed status (Greene, 1998; Sears, 1991). Sadly, this component might be a factor in the higher rates of suicide reported among young Black homosexual males (Gibbs, 1997).

An important goal of therapy for gays and lesbians coming from a religious background is to recognize, challenge and confront any beliefs that have facilitated shame and low self-esteem. Guilt, accompanying these other factors, might be the most common burden borne by gays and lesbians in this setting (McNeill, 1988; Siegel & Lowe, 1994). When sexual orientation comes into conflict with a basic belief system, these are the mechanisms used to cope. They may be especially evident in youth who are caught in a triangle with parents and religion. Savin-Williams (1998) reported that relations with parents are a significant concern for gay and lesbian youth. When they are not meeting their parents' expectations, the fear and alienation often result in guilt and shame as well. Religious expectations should be a serious consideration when gay or lesbian teens are presenting with these issues (Collins & Zimmerman, 1983).

Even more drastically, the belief that one is an abomination often turns into self-hate (McDonald & Steinhorn, 1990; McNeill, 1988). The results of such a reaction can be devastating. Isolation, sexual acting out, substance abuse, and even suicide are not uncommon reactions to this self-hate (McDonald & Steinhorn, 1990). Is it any wonder that these are the reactions of some when they face the inextricable contradiction that "a man born gay faces constant messages of condemnation to eternal damnation from ancient organizations that paradoxically profess to hold all creatures of the deity to have been created in his image and to be objects of his affection and love" (Siegel & Lowe, 1994, p. 65)?

Challenging these fundamental beliefs and behaviors is really about confronting identity. The development, maintenance or evolution of an individual's identity over time can be significantly impacted by religion. Hancock (1995) indicates that "for those who are religious, coming out is an identity shift that conflicts with a deep-seated Judeo-Christian tradition for which the punishment can include the loss of one's family and friends" (p. 406). Supporting someone facing such a huge developmental task is critical.

Not all gays or lesbians necessarily have a negative experience with their church. Some have found it to be a safe place of comfort and peace. They have participated in singing, teaching or serving in their churches in a variety of ways. For some, it is even a place to shine. As a reaction to their unimaginable secret, they may even become quite pious in an attempt to hide their sexuality or perhaps even to rid themselves of it by their good works. The thinking might be that "surely God will remove this horrible curse from me if I do everything right!" Many have attempted to use religion as a cure for their homosexuality (Siegel & Lowe, 1994). Adams (1996) simply yet poignantly relates his experience as "The Preacher's Son." The rationalization is that

Our Christian walk isn't supposed to be easy. We're cursed by our sinful, human nature. We'll struggle with it our entire lives. This is just another part of the struggle. Maybe we'll never fully have victory, but we're supposed to keep trying. Heaven isn't for perfect people. It's a place of reward for those of us who have accepted God's plan of salvation (p. 81).

The sadness of incompatibility and separation comes for many when they begin to acknowledge and accept their sexuality. The description of the dilemma is aptly portrayed by the therapist of a young Jewish man, "He was adamant about feeling the urge but not wanting to have gay sex, about wanting to be straight but not feeling any urges to have straight sex, and wanting (and deeply enjoying) his practice of traditional Judaism. The incompatibility of these conflicting wishes and life plans left him in despair" (Fulmer, 1999, p. 225). If lesbians and gays choose or are forced to leave their beloved church, there can be a real sense of loss and grief. For some the choice is a question of loyalty (McNaught, 1979; Siegel & Lowe, 1994). Others might respond with anger and bitterness, lashing out at a church to which they had given so much of their lives and now is rejecting them.

Revisiting fundamental ideals and beliefs can be an overwhelming battle of internal conflict. Often closely entangled in the issues of religion are the accompanying family of origin dynamics. Declaring a sexuality that is at odds with the religion's idea of family, i.e., man, woman and child, not only potentially pits a person against their religion and their family but with their own ideals as well. Beliefs that have been fiercely guarded as truths have to be carefully reconstructed to fit a new worldview.

Holding onto ideals that are consistent with their religion is a way to maintain continuity with a family of origin (Fulmer, 1999). For many gays and lesbians, religion is a critical component of the culture of their family. It can be the center of communication, purpose and even day-to-day living. When a child or sibling's sexuality is at odds with the doctrines of the family's church, conflicting feelings may arise. The family is torn between their allegiance to their God and their gay family member. Family members might ask in vain for answers as to how to completely love and accept their child or sibling when they are taught that what he or she is doing is a sin and that they might go to hell (Fairchild & Hayward, 1979; Griffin, Wirth, & Wirth, 1996 ).

They even feel that they must choose one or the other (Clark et al, 1990). Pain and anguish often result. Barriers to communication and relating arise because the one thing that has united them in the past is now a point of conflict. Just as a gay or lesbian individual would hope for love and understanding from their family, so should they exhibit patience and respect for the pain and fears their family are experiencing (McGoldrick, 1995). The unfortunate truth, though, is that in some instances the family chooses to endorse the actions of their religion against their own family member (Strommen, 1990).

The reaction of family members and the gay or lesbian individual within that system is often linked to the strictness of their religious behavior. The more traditional or devout the family, the more likely their response will be negative and the stronger any resulting conflicts (Hammersmith, 1987; Hancock, 1995; Newman & Muzzonigro, 1993; Strommen, 1990). This level of devoutness seems to be a significant factor in studying these issues. Weinberg and Williams (1979) reported some interesting findings regarding the "religiosity" of male homosexuals. In two separate studies, they attempted to identify the relationship between religion and psychological problems. First of all, they found that there did not seem to be any correlation of problems to any particular religious group or denomination. Rather, the severity of problems was correlated more to how religious a person was, or their religiosity. Additionally, they reported that other than the greater guilt, shame and anxiety displayed after an initial homosexual experience, religious homosexuals did not exhibit greater psychological problems.

Additional issues that are faced by the individual who is seeking to establish his or her identity as gay or lesbian include the undeniable pressures from family and church to subdue, repress or even change their sexual orientation (Worthington, 1989). The often subtle and sometimes blatant messages that are transmitted inflict incredible pain on an already conflicted person. To be told to repent and conform with God's plan when someone does not feel that they have done anything wrong can be very confusing. Other resulting feelings include hypocrisy, inferiority and intense turmoil. Problems with intimacy and the loss of an important support system, either by abandonment or excommunication, also need to be addressed. Hammersmith (1987) also suggests that the concept of sin needs to be addressed and that "clients who are troubled by the religious question might be encouraged to explore religious reconciliation with sympathetic clergy or religious support groups" (p. 188).

An Example - Mormons

The note Stuart Matis's parents found on the morning of February 24, 2000 read, "Mother, Dad and family. I have committed suicide. I engaged my mind in a false dilemma: either one was gay or one was Christian. As I believed I was Christian, I believed I could never be gay" (Miller, 2000, p. 39). What dynamics in this devout 32-year-old Mormon's life could possibly have driven him to such an outcome? A brief review of the doctrinal and cultural implications for Mormons can serve to highlight the similar experiences of many gays and lesbians.

Mormons believe that their church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, is the "true" church of Christ on earth. They hold that their doctrines, principles, ordinances and practices are prescribed by God as the appropriate way to live in this life and observance of them is the assurance of eternal reward or salvation in the life to come. The church is led by a prophet whom church members believe receives explicit direction from God. Their strict adherence to his and other church leaders' directions is based in a belief that by following them they are following God. The strictness of behavior is evident not only in religious worship but in every action of daily living.

Central to the doctrine of the church is that "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children" (Hinckley, 1995, p. 1). Although individual responsibility is emphasized, the link to this family system, both on earth and eternally, is by far the overriding principle of their plan of salvation. Mormons believe that the family system is not only a sacred unit in mortality but that if members of the group live worthily, the family will remain intact in the eternities. Sexual relations outside marriage, as well as any perceived threats to the institutions of marriage and family, are treated with serious consideration and consequences.

Homosexuality currently ranks among the top of these perceived threats. Therefore, the Mormon Church is sending clear messages that sex is proper only between husband and wife and that homosexual and lesbian behavior, as well as adultery and fornication, is sinful. Transgressors are to be called to repentance (Oaks, 1995). They declare that, "homosexuality is not innate and unchangeable" (Byrd, 1999, p. 52). Individuals are assured that with enough faith in Christ, their immoral behavior can be modified. Instructions to church leaders regarding homosexuality are explicit.

It is important for you as a Church leader to help members understand that regardless of the causes, these problems can be controlled and eventually overcome. Members can be helped to gain self-mastery, adhere to gospel standards of sexual purity, and develop meaningful, appropriate relationships with members of both sexes. . .There is hope for those who desire to be free of homosexual problems. Though the process of repentance is often long and difficult, members can overcome these problems by turning to the Lord, following the inspired guidance of his servants, and committing themselves to a program of change (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1992, pp. 2 & 6).

Two critical implications are evident in this case. First of all, it is important to consider the gay or lesbian individual. The impact of such strong and clear messages on an already conflicted person is unfathomable. To try and reconcile personal identity issues within such a religiously indoctrinated culture will undoubtedly elicit many of the responses such as guilt and shame as noted above. Coming out is not only a personal identity shift but a cultural one as well.

In addition, the impact on family relations can be overwhelming. The individual's responsibility to ensure the success of the family unit puts incredible pressure on the gay or lesbian Mormon. The message is to sacrifice their own peace and joy by suppressing or changing their sexuality in order to save the system. The belief is that not only are relations strained in this life but the family will be disrupted for eternity because of the homosexual member. Therefore, when one does not change, the results can be severe disharmony. The Church, which once was the cause for unity, is now the point of argument or strife within the family.

Conflicting messages continue to be sent as the Mormon Church strives to be viewed as a compassionate and Christian religion. Members are encouraged to love and support their gay and lesbian family members (Oaks, 1995; Byrd, 1999). However, the Church continues to strongly proclaim that homosexuality is a sin and are even politically exerting their moral and financial strength to support anti-gay causes such as the recent Knight initiative in California (Johnson, 1999). How can someone possibly succeed when fighting on two different sides of a battle?

Such was the conflict that apparently drove Stuart Matis to suicide. He could no longer hold on to his homosexual feelings "in the face of lifelong messages that told him such feelings were not only wrong but he was evil for having them" (Rees, 1999). While this is a drastic example, the scenario is duplicated at various levels of intensity in the lives of gays and lesbians with a strong religious background.

Conclusion

The role of the counselor or even friend is not always easy when assisting gays or lesbians who have been severely hurt because of a clash with their religion. Supporting the individual and encouraging her or him to explore thoughts and feelings could be beneficial. All of this needs to be accomplished without bias on the part of the individual providing the support (McDonald & Steinhorn, 1990). This is not an easy task to attempt, especially if the counselor or friend has strong feelings about religion themselves. Counselors especially might find it difficult to bring up the subject of religion because it treads on intense emotions for themselves as well as the client. However, in many cases it would be dangerous not to consider it.

De la Huerta (1999) identifies a key to transcending these issues. A starting point is realizing that religion is not the same as spirituality. "Many of us have rejected our inherent spiritual natures along with the religious traditions we felt forced to disavow in order to accept our sexual nature" (p. 6). The wonderful result of this recognition is that many gays and lesbians are facing the issues of their past and moving forward in beautiful expressions of faith. Whether in a traditional cathedral with thousands or a congregation of one in nature, gays and lesbians are reclaiming their spiritual roots.

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