Allies Memorial     

Mac Madsen (1934-2002)

I'm so honored that Lorrie and the family would ask me to speak. Mac and my paths have been remarkably similar. We share consider commonality. We both grew up in conservative Mormon communities and were interested in athletics. Basketball, baseball, track, tennis, football and golf have played an integral part in both of our lives and certainly contributed to the rapid bonding when we first met. We had both played basketball in college, Mac at BYU and me at Utah State, bearing in mind that Mac's playing time was considerably earlier than mine. We had both served missions, had temple marriages - and I must say to outstanding and remarkable women - and were active in the church, having served in numerous ecclesiastical callings. We had both pursued graduate degrees and were interested in what was going on around us. We were also fathers - fathers who loved and cared deeply for their children and wanted those children to have good lives. We wanted them to be happy, to be safe, to get an education, to feel good about themselves, to find someone with which to share their lives, and to help them prepare themselves to help make the world a better place. In that regard, we were much like most every other parent I know.

We had one small difference, however, from the majority of parents - we each had a daughter that was lesbian. Having a gay child and being Mormon in the 1990's and early 2000's has been very interesting and challenging to say the least. Think about it for a few minutes. It was shortly after our daughters came out that the Wendy Weaver case hit the headlines and the controversy over the gay-straight alliance at East High School began. Religious conservatives nationwide were alarmed at the progress being made in the area of gay rights and began campaigns designed to curtail that progress.

Hawaii became a battleground when their state supreme court gave notice that the Hawaii state constitution made it illegal to deny gays and lesbians the right to marry in that state. Utah became the first state to pass legislation-limiting marriage to people of the opposite sex. The United States Congress passed DOMA, the defense of marriage act, the purpose of which was to define and limit marriage to heterosexuals. Rather than permit gay marriage, Hawaii passed a constitutional amendment outlawing it. Alaska and California both passed similar measures. The Salt Lake City Council was embroiled in a controversy over inclusion of sexual orientation in its anti-discrimination policy. The horrific murder of Matt Shepard in October 1998 was in the headlines across the nation. That hate crime had been preceded three years earlier with the murders of a lesbian couple in Medford, Oregon, Marnee's home state. During the Proposition 22 fight in California one gay Mormon chose to take his life on the steps of a Mormon stake center leaving a suicide note that said "perhaps my death . . . might become a catalyst for much good. I'm sure that you will now be strengthened in your resolve to teach members and leaders regarding the true nature of homosexuality."

In all of these controversies we found the LDS Church, our church, lending support to the anti-gay forces. To suggest that as Mormon parents of gays and lesbians we were conflicted is simply a gross understatement. We belonged to a church that stressed family values above all else but instituted and supported policies that made it almost impossible for us to keep our families together. What were Mac and Lorrie, Matthew and Casey and other family members and friends supposed to do? Should they lend their support to the church's anti-gay initiatives, agree to put up signs of support on their lawns, say nothing and quietly endure the half truths and innuendoes expressed to justify such discrimination, or should they speak up and defend the right of their loved ones to have a place at the table?

Needless to say Mac, Lorrie, Millie and I, along with countless other Mormon parents of gays and lesbians found ourselves in a very uncomfortable situation. We knew and loved our gay children - knew they, too, were God's children and so we made a decision - a decision that we would do everything in our power to "make their way smooth." That was the catch phrase so eloquently articulated by one of our parents, Wayne Schow, in the "Straight From the Heart" documentary, which many of you have seen. It was this commonality that brought us together and eventually found us standing shoulder to shoulder to do everything in our power to educate a world and culture that we were certain simply did not understand the reality of the lives of these great kids that we loved so much. We had to recognize that unless someone had traveled the same journey we had, it was simply impossible for him or her to understand. We had to learn to be patient when things didn't move as quickly as we thought they should. That was and is still difficult.

Some in the support group were reticent to speak out but would work tirelessly behind the scenes. Some were timid initially but gradually became more outspoken. Mac was a lion. He was our most fearless spokesman. Oh, how I admired his tenacity. Indefatigable - you better believe it. It was Mac that almost single-handedly put together a petition to be sent to the General Authorities asking them to reconsider some of the policies that were so painful to many of us. Not to just some of the General Authorities, but to every one of them. He spoke at several of the Sunstone Symposia and never passed up an opportunity to share the fruits of his research. On many occasions he was the unwitting straight man for Lorrie's marvelous sense of humor. We all remember one occasion when members of the support group were introducing themselves and telling why they were affiliated with Family Fellowship, and Lorrie stood up and with all of us anticipating she would tell us about Marnee, she declared tongue in cheek, "We don't have a gay child but have simply come for the food!

It is somewhat ironic, that Family Fellowship just this week completed publishing a talk Mac presented at the 2000 Sunstone Symposium entitled "Homosexuality and the Church: Perspectives of an L.D.S. Father." I've elected to read two short passages from the pamphlet.

"For approximately two years, from 1996 to 1998, I studied and listened. I read fifteen of the best books I could find on the subject. I attended 75 -100 hours of lectures given by everyone from Dean Hamer and the H - gene to the foremost experts on reparative therapy. I spent between 150 to 200 hours in attendance at conferences and seminars on the issue of homosexuality and sexual orientation. I wrote a 25 page paper entitled, "The Pernicious Nature of Homophobia." In addition, and perhaps most importantly of all, I spent hundreds of hours in the company of gay and lesbian persons and their families. In my opinion, the amount of time and effort I put into investigating the phenomenon of homosexuality should be a minimum effort given by all conscientious and loving parents of gay children. I should add that I also believe this should be the minimum effort given by members of a church hierarchy whose decisions about homosexuality have disenfranchised a significant population of our church community."

I want to briefly digress here and ask everyone in the congregation who has had a conversation about homosexuality with Mac or have read or heard any of his papers or letters, or signed the petition to please stand. - You stand as witnesses to the power of one. Thank you.

In the conclusion section of the pamphlet, he has this to say: "I will continue to fight against hatred, intolerance, prejudice and homophobia wherever and whenever possible." Mac's advocacy for these changes was motivated by his love for his friends as much as for his concern for minorities. He recognized that we all need to 'shape up' and become more sensitive to the needs of those around us - that we need to figure out a way to pull together, rather than pull apart if we are to make this world a better place.

Now in closing I want to share some thoughts with the family. To Matt and Casey: when parents spend an inordinate amount of time protecting or defending an at-risk child, it is easy to feel left out or less important. I know Mac and Lorrie and you two well enough to know you understand. Mac took great pride in all of your accomplishments. He loved you every bit as much. His efforts on Marnee's behalf were an attempt by him to get her to the same place both of you enjoy because of heterosexual privilege in our society. Someone has said that the only way to take the sorrow out of death would be to take the love out of life. Embrace and exult in that love. Your dad's DNA is part of you and no one can take that from you. It is valuable stuff. It will linger with you and your posterity forever. Take care of it and respect it. His premature death creates a catastrophic void that will never be filled. Perhaps one satisfaction you can grasp from this will be that your memories of him will always be of the husband and father you know now. He has escaped the ever-looming humiliations accompanying age and, though certainly premature, for that we can all be grateful. His death comes as close to a "twinkling of an eye" that we know. I love and respect the Madsen family. Thank you for allowing me these expressions here today.