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The Affirmation Messenger is a weekly message from the Affirmation Executive Committee. This week's message was written by Affirmation's Transgender Program Director AleX Dean.
AleX Dean |
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What’s in a name?
16 May 2010
Four years ago I began my gender transition to alter my gender presentation from female to male. I did this to align my physical appearance to match my true gender. Now when people first meet me their concept of who I am is far more accurate than it was before. My outside now matches my inside.
As part of my transition process, I legally changed my name so that it also would reflect more accurately who I am. I retained part of my original name. Other parts I altered slightly, or changed completely.
I chose AleX because it was androgynous. It encompassed both my masculine and feminine aspects. I spell AleX with a capital “X”. I wanted to emphasize it. The first reason is because “X” represents transition. I was about to embark on the biggest transition of my life – that of altering my gender presentation from female to male.
The second reason is because in algebra, “X” is a variable. I knew where I had been, and I had a general idea of where I was headed, but there were a lot of things that were impossible to predict. There would be both internal and external changes. I did not know exactly how they would manifest. I did know that the way I was perceived by others would change, as would our interactions. Still, there were a lot of unknowns.
I had been socialized as female, and I was comfortable and at ease interacting with women. It was familiar. I knew the rules, and I knew what to expect. I was accepted in their circles.
During the first year of my transition, the physical changes were gradual. In this state of flux, my appearance was androgynous. It threw many people for a loop. I didn’t fit easily into either the “Male” or “Female” category. Many were uncomfortable because I was outside of either box. My gender appeared to be undefined.
Over time, my appearance changed enough that the world began to see me as male. In so many ways I was comfortable and delighted. It felt like a homecoming. My voice dropped and it was much easier to build muscle. My body fat shifted, and I had an increase in energy. I became much more activated and physical. In some ways, it felt like waking up.
There were other changes that were not so delightful. My hairline recessed immediately. My face squared off as I lost subcutaneous fat. I lost the young “Campbell Soup Kid” look and I developed furrows and jowls in my face. I suddenly looked ten years older.
I found myself socially uneasy much of the time. People responded to me differently. I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know what the social rules were for interacting in the world as a man. Over time, I learned and made adaptations. Some of my adaptations came easily. Others were uncomfortable. Some things were confusing, and some things were downright scary. There were also some ways that I chose not to adapt and consequently, not to fit in.
I went thru times of serious questioning. Was this the right choice for me? What would come of it all? What would become of me? The rapid changes in the first couple of years made for a very rocky road. My relationships changed, my emotional bent changed, even the way that I experienced my spirituality changed.
At the same time, the most core part of me did not change. I am as I always have been. In truth, not even my gender has changed. Even though I was born into a female body, I have always identified my gender as male. Rather than changing my gender identity, I have changed my gender presentation.
In retrospect, all the changes have combined for the good. My insides match my outsides, and this transition has given me the ability to live a more authentic life.
Affirmation is also in a process of change. More and more people are coming out as bisexual, and more and more people are coming out as transgender. Our community is also blessed with some very active and treasured allies. We are becoming more and more diverse.
At the present time, our diversity is not reflected in our official name, Affirmation: Gay and Lesbian Mormons. Our outsides don’t match our insides.
Let’s consider if this is the time for us to reflect our internal changes by legally changing our name. What is the initial impression that we are giving others with our current name? What are we reflecting to those who are finding Affirmation for the very first time? Are we being welcoming and inclusive in both word and action?
Would it better to have a name that was inclusive of transgender, bisexual, and intersex persons? What about our allies? Perhaps a name that encompasses all, but specifies none (such as Affirmation for Mormons) would be more appropriate.
If we change our name, are we opening the door to more changes? Or are we simply reflecting changes that have already occurred? I suggest that both of these things are true.
Regardless of whether or not we chose to change our name, the most core part of Affirmation will not change. Our mission and values remain the same. We will continue to remain as we always have been, an organization of support and advocacy.
AleX Dean
Transgender Program Director
Affirmation: Gay and Lesbian Mormons
 Should Affirmation change its name? Please tell us what you think.
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© 2012 Affirmation: Gay and Lesbian Mormons
www.affirmation.org
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