Affirmation: Gay & Lesbian Mormons

Ben Jarvis

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Coming out to my friend relieved some of the guilt and anxiety I had, but it did not solve the problem. I was still gay. I graduated from high school that spring and immediately entered Brigham Young University for the summer term. My friend received his mission call and left for his field of labor. I was alone once again. My brief respite at Provo High was over. My religion classes and new life at BYU was a harsh reminder that I was still not the Mormon I should be; I was still evil and a burden to the Church rather than an asset. I think it is very sad that anyone could ever feel that way, let alone an adventurous 18-year-old who lived on his own and who, in all other areas of his life, was enormously successful and seemingly happy.

Running away had worked well in high school and I saw no reason to change the game plan. I again found myself with an unsolvable problem, dealing with feelings I was not supposed to have and being a person who shielded his true self from others. Thinking I had not other option, I bolted again; this time, to my mission. I went through the temple early and entered the Missionary Training Center just as I turned nineteen. I felt sure this was it, that serving the Lord full time would give me the edge that I needed to cast off my homosexual feelings once and for all; but when my mission ended seven months later, I was as gay as ever, only with added stigma. Earlier in my life I wondered whether or not I fit into the LDS community. As a nineteen year-old returned missionary, I had my answer. My mission was a complete failure by LDS standards, yet the experience opened up avenues and vistas that I never knew existed. My mission tempered me. I was a long way from accepting my sexual orientation, but was better able to tackle my personal issues at the end of my mission than I had been at the beginning. During my mission I was faced with questions that had no correct answers and had to make complex decisions that would affect me and my family for the rest of our lives. Somehow, I survived. I packed a lot of personal growth into those seven short months. I learned that I could not run from who I was and that it was impossible to control all the factors that affected me in my life. That was a breakthrough. Sometimes life throws you a set of circumstances and you simply have to make the best of it and let the chips fall where they may. That realization started the long process of accepting myself as a homosexual human being.