Affirmation: Gay & Lesbian Mormons

Robert Kirby (right) with Jennifer Aniston
Photo courtesy of Ado B. Photoshop

Robert Kirby to Be Keynote at Affirmation Conference
“I’m guessing they booked me because they couldn't get a stripper”

by Hugo Salinas
June 2009

The organizers of the Salt Lake City Affirmation Conference have just announced that writer and humorist Robert Kirby will be a keynote speaker. Born in California in 1953, Kirby joined the Springville Police Department as a cop in 1979. In the 1980s, while taking night classes at BYU, Kirby began to publish columns, first in the Springville Herald and later for the Utah County Journal, where he wrote under the pseudonym of Officer “Blitz” Kreeg. Since being fired by the Journal for lampooning Mormon culture more than they cared for, Kirby has published six humor books, two novels, and a history book on Utah's murdered police officers.

Know as the Mark Twain of Mormonism, Kirby writes several weekly columns in The Salt Lake Tribune--to the horror of some Mormons and the delight of others. He is often sought as a speaker for events of uneven reputation. For a sample of Kirby's writing, read “Robert Kirby’s 13 Particles of Faith” and visit www.greaterthings.com/Humor/KirbyClassics.htm.

Affirmation has announced that you will a keynote speaker at their national conference. What were they thinking?!

I'm guessing they booked me because they couldn't get a stripper.

You are one of five Robert Kirbys listed on Wikipedia, from a gay comic artist to a Sing Sing warden. How come you’re the only one of the five who doesn’t actually have an entry to go with the listing?

I have no idea. I didn’t even know I was included. Now I’ll have to look it up.

If same-sex marriage were mandatory, who would be your first pick?

Definitely Hugh Jackman.

If same-sex polygamy were mandatory, who would be your second (third, fourth, etc.)?

Jim Morrison (The Doors), Samuel L. Jackson, and Joseph Smith (he really ought to experience it from the other side).

You occasionally have published samples of the hate mail you receive. Whose hate mail would you like to read?

Homer Simpson’s.

If Mormons are wrong and Hindus are right, what would you like to return as?

Jennifer Aniston’s toothbrush.

I recently heard that President Monson has a Dr. Pepper stash. What’s your favorite Word-of-Wisdom slip?

Iced coffee.

Assuming they allow you to home teach, how do they assign families to you?

It’s probably some kind of disciplinary thing.

When your own home teachers come knocking, what’s the first thing you hide?

Myself.

When you’re resurrected with a celestial body, how much do you think you’ll be able to bench-press?

The Golden Plates x 50.

What’s your favorite song that the Mormon Tabernacle Choir will never sing?

“Go Your Own Way” - Fleetwood Mac.