Affirmation: Gay & Lesbian Mormons

WHO
WE ARE

ESPECIALLY
FOR YOU

EVENTS
& NEWS

RESOURCES
& LINKS

BECOME
INVOLVED


DONATE

Women's Voices

Award-Winning Essays

Letters

Dear Jane
Honorable Mention, 2002 Affirmation Writing Contest

By Megan Bennet
Sept. 2002

Dear Jane,

I can't thank you enough for your letter of love and support. I was so scared to tell you I was a lesbian, but I had to tell someone as I'm lacking the sufficient courage to come out to my family right now. With your liberal attitude towards life, I knew you wouldn't judge me and I could still rely on you for your continued friendship. I never in my life thought that I'd actually admit out loud (other than to my therapist) that I was a lesbian. A Mormon and a lesbian to boot. How the hell does something like that happen? Add to the fact I thought I was the only one in the world. Not only the gay person (Honey, I've met plenty of those!), but the only gay Mormon to walk the earth. From the way homosexuality was talked about in church, I was ready to receive my personal invitation to hell from Lucifer himself. (Actually, I do look pretty fantastic in red.) Honestly, the idea of coming across a fellow gay Mormon seemed as realistic to me as having a dinner party with the Easter Bunny, an accountant with a personality, and an IRS agent with feelings.

I'm hoping that we can continue writing as I'm sure new issues will be developing as I am now honest with myself about being a lesbian. We've been friends for so long now, I know that you will always accept my struggle and me with the whole lesbian/Mormon duality. You know me; I've always tried to be a good little Mormon girl. I graduated from seminary, I went on a mission, and I also graduated from BYU. (Did you know that one time on campus I actually made Lavell Edwards smile? Well, I think he smiled. It was either he smiled or he swallowed a pea, I'm still not sure.) I really did try to live a normal, Mormon life. I just couldn't go on pretending any longer.

I'm hoping that someday I'll have enough courage to tell my family the truth about me. I've wanted to tell them for some time now, but I'm still too scared. That's why I wanted to tell you first. You were kind of my guinea pig. (Not saying that you're fat or anything.)

Tell me again why in the world you moved to a ranch in Colorado. I still can't believe there is no phone or email access there. Did you want to jump back in time or are you debating about starting a new life among the Amish? I know that I recently moved to Phoenix so I could get a fresh start, but why did you do it? Please also feel free to ask me any questions about homosexuality that you don't understand. Not that I'm an expert, but I can certainly give you a personal insight. What do you think? Write soon!

Dear Jane,

Well, you certainly didn't waste any time with asking your first question about homosexuality. Your question about whether being gay is a choice or not is pretty controversial right now. Let me tell you from my experience that it's not. Some say that it is genetic and others disagree. I believe that it is genetic. (Plus that gives me something else I can blame on my mom during therapy.) Now I was not abused and I have had my share of healthy relationships with both men and women. I just happen to be drawn to women more. For some unknown reason I just relate better and become more emotionally connected to women than I do to men. I know that this doesn't exactly thrill everyone's heart, but it was something I was just born with. I did not learn to be attracted to women nor am I doing it to experiment.

Now certain Mormons always talk about the fact that being gay is a choice. I would never willingly choose this kind of struggle. (I no more choose to be gay than I choose to have a big butt. By the way, also genetic.) If I were to have a choice, I would much rather choose the struggle of having to spend my summers in Madrid or the struggle of fitting into my pair of size 2 jeans after finishing a whole In' N Out burger. Now that's my kind of struggle!

No, this so-called struggle is the choice I have to make between being Mormon or lesbian. Do you realize the real struggle you take upon yourself once you openly admit that you are gay? See, no matter what I choose, I'll be missing something in my life. I either remain in the religion that helped shape me into the person that I am and curb the desire to ever be romantically involved with someone for the rest of my life. (That's really tempting to think about - a life with no kissing or physical affection. Why don't you make things really fun for me and just take chocolate away from me while you're at it?) Or my other choice is that I can be true to myself and openly date a woman and risk losing my membership in the Mormon Church. These are the choices I have, not whether or not I'm gay.

You know, just because scientists have not yet physically identified the gay gene does not mean that it does not exist. Didn't we just recently in the last 30 years or so realize the importance of and identify the DNA strand? In the next few years or so scientists could have successfully found the gay gene and then Mormons will finally have to accept the fact that being gay is not a matter of choice, but a matter of genetics. It's not like other physical attributes that we can just change if we don't like it. I know plenty of fellow Mexicans who are not happy with their brown hair. Therefore you see numerous Latinos with dyed blonde hair…or should I say orange hair? (Hey, somebody has to keep L'Oreal in business, right?) I know that being gay is genetic and that we can't change it, regardless of how much one prays for it to go away. (Trust me, I've done enough praying and fasting, pleading with Heavenly Father to make me heterosexual. It never worked.) That's like thinking those prayers before blessing snacks at firesides will work miracles. ("Please bless that these brownies, cookies, and Ronald McDonald orange punch will magically have no fat grams and will nourish and strengthen our bodies.")

I know that not all Mormons are as understanding as you are. I'm sure that they think if we want it bad enough, "it will all go away." So how do you make a part of your biological make-up just go away? Do they think that we can just take a pill and make it go away? (I heard that Evergreen was working on such a pill. This pill is not for everyone. Side effects may include stomach cramps, uncontrollable bladder, leprosy, constipation, cancer, female pattern baldness, no testimony, and projectile vomiting. They are expecting FDA approval any day now. Ha ha.)

I hope that kind of cleared it up for you. Let me know if you have anymore questions. One more thing, to help speed up the research process, I have enlisted the help of other top-seeded local scientists. I'm having them not only search for the mysterious "gay-gene" but they are also looking for the "I can eat a whole pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream in one sitting-gene" and the ever elusive "I have a tendency to max out all of my credit cards-gene." All are equally mysterious and difficult to find. The sooner we find these genes, the sooner all of mankind will rest easier at night.

I'm glad to hear that life on the range is going well. Do you smell like a cow yet? Do you have beans at every meal? What do you guys do for fun up there besides playing cowboys and Native Americans? What do you think? Write soon!

Dear Jane,

I was talking with some friends in the ward the other day and one of them mentioned something that kind of made me worry. This girl said that this hot, new guy started working with her in her office. She evidently didn't realize it at first but it turns out that this guy is gay. She said that she had no idea at first that he was gay, but now it's so obvious. I was thinking about what she said the whole time I was driving home. You being a normal member of the church, I must ask for your total honesty in your reply to this question.

Now you know how we always joke around that there's a secret alarm in the petite section of department stores, which goes off if a fat woman tries to enter? (Those damn skinny chicks ruin everything!) I know that this sounds silly, but sometimes I feel like someday there might be some secret "gay alarm" that will go off at church. Do I give off a weird lesbian vibe? I know I'm 30 and not married, that could be clue number one. I also happen to enjoy playing sports, would that give me away as well? (I was thinking about getting "lesbian and proud of it" or maybe "men suck" tattooed on my back. Do you think that's a bad idea as well? Hee hee.) Seriously, I'm just so worried that my family will find out about me. I just know that they will all hate me.

I also worry about the members in my new ward. Do you think they would freak out if they found out? Do you think they would treat me differently? Like I could no longer be trusted to have a calling with the Young Woman? Or in the nursery? I know a lot of gay people get pegged as molesters, even if they aren't. They think being gay is a perversion, so why not throw in molesting kids too? (Kind of like a 2-for-1 deal.) You know it's not like I just got done doing an internship at the McMartin pre-school for Pete's sake!

Do you think maybe it's time that I find a new church that would be more accepting of my newly pronounced lesbian-ness and me? Maybe I could find a church back where you live where the members carry snakes that perform miracles and keep yelling "Hallelujah!" during the prayer. (By the way, that would be the members yelling "Hallelujah," not the snakes.) Have any of those churches around your neck of the woods? What do you think? Am I worrying about something I don't need to or am I just going crazy? Write soon!

P.S. Tell me more about what you guys do for fun. Riding sheep can't be all that fun.

Dear Jane,

So remember how worried I was when I wrote my last letter about the members finding out about me being a lesbian? Well, that was last week's problem. I've got different issues to deal with this week. The Relief Society sisters here where I just moved are on a quest to get me married. This is how every scenario goes when I first meet a female member in the ward. First she finds out that I'm 30 years old and then there is a pause for dramatic disbelief. Then a look of shock follows with the very typical frowning of the forehead. (You would have thought I just told her that her child is the spawn of Satan or something by the way she's looking at me.) The poor, little sister will then replace all of that with a look of concern and then immediately spewing from her lips is the question, " But you're so pretty! How can you not be married?" This, I'm sure, is supposed to be a compliment, but it makes me think to myself, what are they saying to the ugly girls? ("Damn girl! You sure are ugly! No wonder you're not married!")

Just wait Jane, there's even more. Right after they go through the whole "I can't believe you're not married" spiel, they then feel the need to pry into my dating life, even though they just met me not 15 minutes ago. "So who are you dating these days?" I will be asked or, "How is your love life?" I'm sure that they all mean well, but to me it feels like an invasion of privacy. I feel like if they can ask me questions like that, it should only be fair that I get to question them in the same manner. I'd love to be able to ask them, "So, how is your sex life? Got any hokey pokey going on at home these days? But you're so pretty. How can you not be getting some action?"

So after all this information is extracted, I see a smile cross the woman's face. No, it's not that they are happy to finally have that old, childless spinster they always want in every ward. It's that they "know the perfect person" for me to meet. How does it happen every time, you ask. I have no idea. There must be some "Yenta the Matchmaker" course that they teach you in the temple when you get married. Evidently they get a set of Ginsu knives for every couple they help get married.

Again, am I freaking out over trivial matters here? They feel very validated to me, but then again, I'm a 30 year-old virgin. Is it also true not having sex for a long time can make you crazy? Because if that's true, I should be committed soon! What do you think? Write soon!

P.S. So who are you dating lately? Hee hee.

Dear Jane,

So right after I sent that last letter to you, another idea hit me that I needed to ask you about. You know how I was talking about people asking me about my dating life and everything, that got me to thinking. I've been struggling lately with the idea of going out and looking for a woman to date. I'd like to start out with something very casual and breezy. It's not like I'm looking for someone to jump in the sack with. It's been so easy growing up in the church to find some guy to date. There was always Mutual, stake dances, or at BYU I could scam on all the guys in my classes. (This was of course back when I was pretending to be heterosexual.) I could always find someone to date, or at least someone to feign interest in. That way I did not arouse any suspicions about my true sexuality. Now that I want to have a relationship with a woman, how in the world do I go out pursuing that?

Now I know that you have no idea on how to accomplish this, being the nice Mormon girl that you are, I just need a place to vent. You know, it's not like there are any gay Mormon coffee houses to go sit at and chill and meet people. I know that typically Mormons don't drink coffee, but hell, I figure if you're already out being gay, you might as well start drinking coffee too! (Did you ever think you'd see the words gay, Mormon, and coffee all in the same sentence? No, me neither.) All of that goes along with a joke I once heard. What happens when you go inactive? You get a 10% increase in your paycheck and Sundays off. Ha ha.

Seriously, where else am I going to meet girls to date? It's not like society even has a nice place for lesbians to meet and interact. It's like the only places we have left to meet others are bars and softball tournaments. Let me tell you how pumped I am to pick up chicks in a bar. I think they covered that in Dating for Losers 101 at BYU. (The prerequisite was that you had to be at least 25 and not married at BYU. Of course all students majoring in computer programming were automatically matriculated, regardless of interest.) Anyway, when I figure this out, I'll let you know. In the mean time, I guess I'll just keep being frustrated over here. Or let me know if you meet any cute lesbians while you're milking the cows. I can't believe you really do that! What do you think? Write soon!

P.S. I thought about telling my family today. Then I remembered that I still want them to like me so I changed my mind very quickly.

Dear Jane,

I'm sorry to dump on you like this, but I'm having a really bad day over here and I really need to talk to someone about this. It's times like this when it drives me crazy that I have to wait for the pony express to deliver my letters to you. I wish I could talk to you in person, but this will have to do for now.

This whole gay Mormon thing is really getting to me. I have my good days and I have my bad days. This would be one of the bad days, so bear with me. You know me, I try and tough things out, no matter how hard it gets. So I have these great, uplifting days where I think nothing will upset me or get me down and I can get through all of this. Then there are other days (like today) when I don't believe my life is worthwhile at all. In the past I've found that these days are often followed by sleepless nights and I have no appetite because I'm so depressed. (Who ever knew there would be a day I'd say no to chocolate chip cookies?!?)

What worries me most of all is knowing that I have to tell my family about me. I'm so afraid that they will hate me and cut me out of their lives. They are the "perfect Mormon family" with very firm beliefs of right and wrong and I'm sure me being a lesbian doesn't exactly fit in with their plans for Family Home Evening. ("And for tonight's opening song, we have Megan doing a cover of Diana Ross' hit single, 'I'm Coming Out.' Which will then be followed by Jeff giving the opening prayer.")

Man, this is so hard to deal with and I know that I can't do this alone. Therapy can only do so much for me. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want this! I've prayed and fasted with the faith equal to Job, only these feelings won't go away. I heard a talk from a General Authority where he said that homosexuals are " an abomination before God." God must hate me for feeling this way about other women. I often feel like I shouldn't pray because surely God doesn't want to be in contact with someone like me.

I'm so upset about this whole thing. It makes me not want to get out of bed all day long. Maybe if I hide in my bedroom long enough, I won't have to tell anyone the truth about me. Actually, to make it all go away permanently, I could just go to sleep and never wake up. This is tempting because when I'm asleep and in my dreams, there are no words of hate or fear of rejection. In my dreams, I don't have a nagging fear that someday soon my family will no longer love me. If I did go to sleep permanently, then I wouldn't have to tell my family the truth about me. Then they wouldn't have "the shame" of having a lesbian daughter and have to explain my life to all their Mormon friends. You know how there is such the pressure in the Mormon Church to be perfect. This would alleviate all that in one fell swoop. I wouldn't have to deal with the pressure any longer and no one else would have to know the truth about me. It seems like such an easy decision.

At the same time, I get this mental picture of my mother at my gravesite, tissue in hand, rocking back and forth in her chair as the tears spill down her face. My father silently weeping beside her, as there are no comforting words to heal this kind of pain. I know that both of their hearts would be broken knowing that I took my life when I felt I had no where else to turn. Or thinking about my 5 year-old nephew asking his daddy why his aunt won't be coming to visit any more. There around my grave, as the rest of my family clings together, they would be asking themselves the same question any family does after a member of theirs takes their own life. Why did she do this?

Could I really intentionally cause all of that pain and heartache? I cry myself to sleep thinking about how these scenarios would roll out if I actually did end my life. All those problems I thought I had left behind me would be replaced by feelings of hurt and sadness that would never go away. Would my family then understand me? If it were a choice between my death and me being gay, would they really choose having a lesbian in the family? I love them so much. I'm in so much agony over the right thing to do.

Again, I'm so sorry to dump on you like this. I just feel so alone and not understood. I don't know what to do. I can't seem to shake these feelings of wanting to escape from the world. What should I do? (I mean, besides go out and buy a pint of Cherry Garcia ice cream. Or should I instead go out and buy a nice straightjacket?) Help! What do you think? Write soon!

Dear Jane,

What would I do without you? Your last letter made my year. Thanks for understanding what I'm going through. I do feel much better these days. That's the fun thing about being a woman. I can have every emotion available to mankind without having to explain myself. I was just going through a rough spot. Thanks for being there for me. I'm back to my regular cynical self now.

So you'll never guess what happened to me at work today. This guy at work asked me today some questions about my "lifestyle." He had heard through the grapevine that I was a lesbian, he tells me, and wanted to ask me a few questions. He's asking me the standard how long have you known your were gay stuff and did I feel like I was born this way. Then he asks me how I can claim that being gay is normal when there is no proof of homosexuality in the animal kingdom, other than humans. Then I see where he's going with all of this questioning. He doesn't want to ask me about being a lesbian; he wants to tell me how wrong I am for feeling this way.

So, with all of the self-control and patience I could muster, I asked him, "Are you so sure that there are no gay animals out there? How do you know that when no one is looking, the animals aren't having drag contests out in the forest? Maybe there's a place where all the gay animals meet in the middle of the forest and they get together to sing Barbra Streisand tunes and discuss the color schemes of the forest. Maybe there is a RuPaul giraffe out there who comes complete with feather boa and a blonde wig." I of course was just being a smart-ass, but this guy didn't think that I was very funny. Which is too bad because I thought I was hilarious.

Did I handle this badly? I know that I should be more understanding and all that stuff, but when doofwads like that just get in my face and tell me that what I feel is wrong, I guess my understanding goes right out the window. My mom used to tell me that I should never judge anyone until I've walked a mile in his or her shoes. I don't think this guy would even want to get near my shoes, let alone walk in them. (Because let me tell you sister, he would look fabulous in my 3 inch Prada heels!) Oh well, now I guess I know who to send a virus to in the office.

Speaking of being hot (okay, so we weren't even remotely talking about hot things, I just wanted to start out that way), it's so damn hot out here in Phoenix! It's been 110 degrees everyday for the past month! I swear, not only does Satan live on the 405 freeway in Los Angeles, but he also has a summer home here in Phoenix. (I also hear he has a condo on Sunset Strip. He's leasing with an option to buy. Shh, you didn't hear it from me!) What do you think? Write soon!

P.S. Speaking of dressing in drag, how do you think a peacock would dress in drag?

Dear Jane,

It sounds like the cowboy ranch is treating you okay. Enjoy it now, because I don't think it's cool anywhere else in the world to be sporting chaps around town. (Unless you have a part in the "Debbie Does Dallas" trilogy. Is that how you've been picking up that extra cash? Hee hee.)

Now I know that we both share the same interest in the world and what is going on around us. I also know that you read the same magazines and watch the same news as I do. (Well, back when you were part of the modern world, that is. Maybe at the next town meetin' with Opie and Marshall Dillon you'll find out what electricity is!) I do have a point to get to here, so bear with me. Have you ever noticed how prevalent it is to be the "first person" to do something? For example, Jackie Robinson was "the first black man to play professional baseball" and Jennifer Lopez is "the first Latina to earn 10 million for a motion picture." So in accordance with all of this, I have a goal to also be a "first person" to do something significant. After much thought and deliberation, I have decided that I'm going to be "the first Mexican Mormon Lesbian to eat a peach on a Wednesday while wearing a green leisure suit." What do you think? I'm sure that I'll be the first to successfully accomplish the task. I've done lots of research on this.

Now while I was doing this research, I began to notice something else. By just being me, I represent almost every minority or discriminated group in the American way of life. Now if I could figure out how to also be a midget and handicapped, I could represent every group. I would be the only Mexican Mormon Lesbian midget in a wheelchair out there on the planet. Maybe I could star in my own prime time cop show? I could fight crime with my Wonder Belt filled with pamphlets of the Standards of Youth and General Conference tapes. (Or I'd just put all the criminals to sleep.) What do you think? Write soon!

P.S. Want to be my trusty sidekick? You could be the straight man. Ha ha.

Dear Jane,

I'm glad to hear that the wagon train with new provisions finally arrived to your ranch. Have you seen a telephone yet? I hope you received one of my favorite inventions of the 20th century that I sent you. It's called Reese's and I believe that it will someday bring about world peace.

You know what I want to know? How is it that people are sometimes so cruel? I was at the store last night and overheard a conversation where one man called his buddy "a fag" in a very unkind manner. (Like anyone ever used that as a compliment?!? "Hey you fag! That was an awesome homerun!") I continue to not understand how people can make derogatory comments about gay people or for that matter, anyone different than themselves. I don't know about them, but my mother taught me that prejudice is nothing more than ignorance. Prejudice is just something I really hate. Prejudice and beaners. I can't stand them. Hee hee.

Seriously though, I don't understand how in this day and age anyone can feel like they have any kind of superiority over another person. There's no "master race" and that's just so not "new millenium" thinking. I don't know what I'm going to do if someone calls me a bad name. It's not like I never had anyone do that before. (Hell, I learned to drive in Los Angeles. You think I never got the finger?!?) I just think that having someone call me "dyke" or "lesbo" with the intention of hurting me will be hard to deal with. It's not like I can say, "Oh yeah? Well so are you!" (Unless, maybe they are!) I'm having a hard enough time dealing with the fact that Mormons and my family are going to think I've got a one-way ticket to hell. I certainly don't need the whole world thinking similarly. (Well, besides everyone living in West Hollywood.)

Did I tell you that I was asked to give a talk this Sunday for sacrament meeting? Since I don't think it would go over well if I spoke about the tragedy of being a Mormon lesbian, I decided to speak about a much safer and less controversial subject. I am going to raise a question in the members' minds that has never been addressed before. Why is it every time we bring up the subject of the 2,000 Lamanite soldiers, we must use the phrase, "stripling warriors"? Can we not find another use for the word "stripling"? I want to put forth a challenge to the members to use the word "stripling" in other settings just so we can further its usage. We could try, "Hey Sister Jones! Those were some stripling brownies you made for the baptism last night!" Or another one could be, "Wow, Brother Garcia! That was one stripling talk you gave in sacrament meeting!" Can you see how the usage is limitless? Do you think it will go over well? Or should I just go for the usual "charity is the pure love of Christ" theme? What do you think? Write soon!

P.S. I was almost tricked into telling my family today. I read an inspiring story about a guy who told his family and no one hated him. I was feeling really good about talking to them and then I came to my senses. I almost ruined it. Whew! That was a close one.

Dear Jane,

Thanks for your last letter. I always appreciate your advice on how to reconcile my feelings with the church and everything. I know the standard Sunday School answers of scripture study and prayer that will help me deal with problems. Sometimes they help; sometimes they just make me feel guiltier for being who I am.

I was feeling especially down the other day so I was looking for my home teachers to give me a blessing of comfort. I couldn't get a hold of them so I had to travel around and get a blessing from a local rabbi, the Dalai Lama, and Pope John Paul the Second. So I'm feeling much better now.

You know, Mormons claim to be the most caring religious group out there. They will accept anyone, no matter their past or their current problems, unless you're gay. Then they want nothing to do with you. Where's the Christ-like love they claim to have? Where is the unconditional love and understanding when you really need it? You know how the milk campaign uses the slogan "Got Milk?" I think the new Mormon slogan should be, "Got charity?" Like I've said before, Mormons continue to think that this is just our "struggle" or trial that we have to bear in this lifetime. Now what if the trial in this lifetime isn't what we do as gay people, but how the Mormons and other so-called Christians treat and accept us? What do you think? Write soon!

Dear Jane,

Guess what happened? No, I was not recently listed on "People's 50 Most Beautiful People" list. That was strictly a rumor. (Although I was featured at the back of "Glamour" magazine with a big black line across my eyes with the caption "Don't" underneath. Think I should clip it out and add it to my photo album?)

Anyway, you'll never guess what happened. I finally got the courage to come out to my family! It was one of the scariest things I've ever done in my life. I don't even know how I got to that place, to feel ready enough to tell my family. It was either that or I would have to wait until Thanksgiving weekend. I could just see that. "Hey, pass the cranberries, by the way, I'm gay." I didn't need that to be remembered as "The year Megan came out at Thanksgiving." So it was either now or never.

I started out by telling my mom right after church last Sunday. We were alone in her bedroom and I just flat out told her. So being the very cool person that I am, I immediately burst into tears and turned away from her glance of what I thought for sure would be shock and disgust. Instead, she just came over to where I was sitting and held me. After about a minute of both of us just crying and sitting there, sniffling, she looked right into my eyes and said, "You know that this makes absolutely no difference to me. I will always love you, no matter what." How I wept with those words. I was expecting rejection and only received kindness.

This positive experience gave me the courage to tell the next family member, my dad. Again, he could still tell me to get the hell out of his house and never return. (I've heard of many fathers who reject their gay child because something that vile could never "come from their loins.") This time, my father just questioned if I was sure that I was gay. (No, I just thought I'd try it out for a while.) "Yes, I'm sure I am," I replied. He hugged me and still loved me too! I couldn't believe it! I was 2 for 2 at this point. I couldn't possibly be this lucky with the rest of my family. I have 6 brothers, 1 sister, 3 sisters-in-law, and 7 nieces and nephews; the odds are pretty good that someone is going to hate me.

I eventually told my whole family that I'm a lesbian. (Except my nieces and nephews who will find out later when they are older.) There was a lot of crying and a lot of questioning going on, but the overall message was that they all still love and accept me. All of them. I couldn't believe it.

I think that my oldest brother had the best quote of the weekend. As I told him I was a lesbian, he looked over at me, grabbed me in a big bear hug and said, "I don't care if you have purple hair or 3 eyes, you are my sister and I will always love you." I just held onto him and cried like a baby. This is what unconditional love is, I thought to myself. Being accepted and loved no matter what. Although I think in my case, I was extremely lucky in the fact that not one person in my family thinks any less of me. I found that none of my family privileges have been taken away. I can still baby-sit my nieces and nephews and I am still invited to all family reunions.

Can you believe how lucky I am? Looking back, I feel foolish for not having had more confidence in my family. I should have known that they would always love me, but you'd be surprised at how admitting you are gay will make you paranoid about all of your relationships. Now I know that I still have a long and frustrating road ahead of me, both emotionally as well as spiritually. I'm also pretty sure that I will always struggle with being both lesbian and Mormon. But I can at least breathe a little easier and sleep a little better at night knowing that if nothing else, my family will always love me. It's a good thing too because I just found my first purple hair yesterday.