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Women's Voices

Finding A Safe Harbor

By Jill S.*

As I sit here in the early morning hours watching the waves of the ocean as they bring in the tide, I am sure they are trying to tell me something. I am not quite sure of the message but it's right there in the waves as they crash against the rocks and throw particles of water high into the sky. The waves rolling up onto the shore gently soaking the sandy beach pull my thoughts back into the past. My life, my whole history, lies in the sea. As I look far out into the ocean it seems so calm. The surface is calm, yet there are so many things going on under the sea. The world is changing under the ocean; erupting volcanoes are constantly altering the ocean floor, creating valleys and mountains, molding the future of the earth. My early years, like the distant ocean view, seemed calm and peaceful. Calm on the surface, but inside me the volcanoes of inner truth were erupting, shaping my future.

Growing up Mormon my life seemed very calm and simple. Wrong was wrong and right was right. My world was very black and white. I knew what to expect and I knew what was expected of me. The answers to all life's questions were at my fingertips. The one thing I always knew was if I did God's will (which was defined by others), then all would work out. So I did what was "right." I went to church. I did not smoke, drink, or have sex before I was married. I served a mission for the Mormon church and attended Brigham Young University, the Mormon affiliated university. I later married a very wonderful man in the Salt Lake City temple and we had three beautiful children.

But all through my life something was erupting inside me that did not make any sense to me. I was different and I knew it, but I did not understand it.

When I was eight years old I loved playing army and Mission Impossible. I was always a tough guy, nothing sissy existed in my life. When I was 12 I suddenly loved being with the girls, not because I enjoyed playing Barbies or chasing the boys, but because of the excitement I felt inside me when I was around certain girls.

As I grew older, there were certain relationships that became obsessive and passionate. I was very confused-how can I feel this way about girls when I am a girl? I felt this was not a "good" thing. Somehow I thought if I ignored the eruptions going on under the surface everything would be as it "should" be. On occasion huge waves would surface as feelings for a girlfriend. I did not know what to do with this huge wall of emotion and love, so I did nothing. I waited for the feelings to crash in on top of me, knowing eventually I would surface and somehow stay afloat.

I managed to get through high school experiencing all the typical dating rituals including the first kiss. Yet I never knew the thrill of passion; I never felt the rush of adrenaline you feel when kissed by someone you love. I channeled all my energy into sports and school activities. I was the pride and joy of my parents and my church community.

Just as the waves of the ocean get bigger and stronger as they approach the coastline, so did my feelings and longings for women. I went to Brigham Young University and was in coed heaven. I was on a fishing boat without a pole or a net. I continued to ignore my feelings and ride them out. One thing I knew for sure was God had surely blessed me with an abundance of "kindred spirits." These soul mates held such a deep part of my heart, I could not explain how I felt about them.

I will never forget Beverly*, the first true love of my life. Beverly moved into our apartment shortly after returning from a mission for the Mormon church. We became automatic best friends. As far as I could see, she was the only person in my life who could hold such a place in my heart. I loved her as I had never loved anyone before. And, I was so very excited, because she let me love her. I treated her as if she were the queen of all creation. I honored and cherished her. I lived and breathed Beverly.

She loved me too; I knew she did. We talked about our feelings all the time with neither of us quite understanding how we could be so bonded. We became inseparable. If Beverly went on a date, then her date had better plan on me coming along. Where one was, there was the other. Beverly was very beautiful, bright and straight. She loved me, but she loved the men in her life more. She wanted nothing more than to be with the right man for time and all eternity. We often shared our mutual desire to be with each other forever by wishing I was a man. How nice it would be if only I were male. We slept in the same bed, something I looked forward to with all my heart. We were as affectionate as we could be without bringing on criticism from other roommates or friends-more specifically not wanting to admit, to even ourselves, there was anything more than a good friendship going on here.

Beverly and I both became engaged around the same time. I became engaged to Dave* and we began planning our wedding and our life together. As Dave and my engagement went on, I found myself caught in whirlpools of emotion, never knowing what to do. I was being thrown into the very rugged coastline. My heart was torn open time and time again on the sharp rocks. My feelings and understanding being thrown into the air, like particles of water as the waves hit the rocks. More than once I tried to get out of this engagement, but I always found myself back on the marriage track.

I became very depressed. I could not stand to have Dave touch me, or kiss me. Any time he tried to be the least bit affectionate I found myself screaming inside and longing to be back in my bed snuggled up next to Beverly. My body and my soul felt bruised, battered and torn from being thrown against the huge rocks. But I was always soothed when I went home to be with Beverly. Like a ship trying to find a safe place to land, I kept going back out to sea to try another spot along the shore. Dave and I were married and through all the turmoil we had become very good friends. Dave and I both knew there were things to work through. We were both willing to do whatever was needed to do to get through all of this together. It took me months to get over Beverly. My heart was broken as I left Beverly and went into wedded life.

For awhile I became content floating around on an ocean of fairly calm water. Dave was good to me. We had a very good relationship. And through ten years together we had three beautiful children. What more could anyone ask for? Yet, there was one current of discontent flowing through our years together. I went to counseling throughout our marriage. I knew what was going on, yet I was not able to admit the truth.

For me life was very much tied up in my children. Sex was a chore, something to keep Dave from going crazy and something to keep me from feeling guilty. It became increasingly difficult for me to have sex with Dave. Over time it did not seem to get easier, or to make much sense. I would be absent during sex. I basically shut down my sex drive. This started to interfere with other areas of our lives. I finally got to a point in my life where I could not take it anymore. I escaped time and time again, by going to the beach by myself, or anywhere else where I did not have to deal with my life. I remember the day when I came "out" to myself. I was reading a book sent to me by a good friend, entitled Peculiar People. This book told of many individuals in the Mormon church who had come out as gay men or lesbians and survived. It told of their spouses' experiences, their parents' experiences, and their own experiences. I found myself highlighting nearly every sentence in the lesbian accounts. "Wow," could I relate. That day I took a pen and paper and I wrote the words "I am a Lesbian." I was never before able to write these words. Never before was I so sure of myself. I cried and continued to cry all day. When Dave came home from work I left for the beach. I had to think. I had to write-there was so much on my mind. The freedom I felt is difficult to explain. I felt so liberated and free. I felt so scared and confused. But, for the first time my whole life made sense.

A few days later I came out to Dave. I told him and he held me. He held me all night as I cried. We decided we would stay together. I felt it was the only option. We would stay together and deal with the situation the best we could. For the next nine months we went on, me with my new knowledge and understanding and Dave as though nothing were different. Dave, though supportive, did not have to deal with my feelings every minute of the day. I would cope and cope until unable to do so anymore. I would find ways to escape by writing, or going to the beach or other out of the way places. One day I broke. I was unable to be honest with myself, honor who I was and stay in the same life I had built for myself.

I left for Portland where I attended a support group for lesbians. For the first time in my entire life I was surrounded by women who understood what I was saying and how I was feeling. Their nods of understanding and their songs of love and support flooded my heart and soul with acceptance, love and understanding. I had in a sense come home. This was the first "lighthouse" leading me into a greater exploration of the rest of my life-a life on sure ground, not on the unpredictable surface of the ocean. I wanted to remain on shore. For the first time I saw there were options for me and these options did not limit me to the mediocre existence I had previously chosen for myself.

I went home to my husband and children, but could not stop thinking of the feeling of love and support I had experienced with these women. I continued with therapy and my efforts at my Mormon, heterosexual existence. It was not working. As hard as I tried, I still kept looking to the shore and seeing the lighthouse. The lighthouse was calling me to a greater more honest existence. Still in my mind I felt it was wrong to think of anything but staying married and Mormon. I no longer fully believed in the Mormon theology. Through many years, it had faded in my heart as truth. Although, there were still a few Mormon beliefs I held tightly to and it was those beliefs that kept me attending the Mormon church.

A month later I went up to Portland to attend the lesbian support group for a second time. There I met women who would play a integral role in my courageous trip home-home to myself, to honor and love the person I truly was. I decided I had to know if there was another option for me. When it came right down to it I needed to find out if I could physically love another woman, or if my core center would revolt and throw me back into my marriage and mediocre existence. I flirted with the idea of getting together with one woman in particular. She was interested and I was definitely interested. This was my chance to test myself. I knew my values were such that I could not cheat on Dave. I would never be able to have a physical affair. But I did launch into an affair of the heart. I gave my heart to this woman and found all the flood gates opened wide. The emotions and hormones of a lot of years surged forward. I was literally drowning in the reality of my sexuality. I had never before been so honest with myself, so ready to give myself sexually to another human being. I did allow myself to kiss this woman, to hold her and be at home in her arms. One kiss and I was never going back out to the sea of tranquillity. I knew without a shadow of a doubt this was where I belonged-not necessarily in this woman's arms, but in a woman's arms.

Not long after this I talked with Dave and told him how I felt. I told him I was sure of my sexual orientation and I felt there was another option other than staying together. By this time sex was void in our marriage and celibacy was not an option for either of us. I could not even kiss Dave without feeling sick. He was somehow caught off guard. In his fear and need to protect himself and our children, he packed some clothes and took the children to his parent's home in Idaho. He was giving me time to decide what it was I wanted, because he felt he could no longer stay on this roller coaster. Little did I know this was the beginning of the biggest storm of my life. At this point I had headed my ship into the shoreline and I was going to do whatever I could to get to shore. I had never been on shore. I had only caught a glimpse of the lighthouse calling me home.

I made my choice. I wanted a divorce. I was determined I was not going to leave my children, but I was going to leave my marriage with Dave. At this point I did not know if I would ever have the relationship I dreamed of, but I knew I would rather be alone in this world than in a marriage of lies. Dave was deeply hurt by my decision. He saw nothing he could do other than proceed with the divorce. We did what we had to do to take care of things. The painful process began. For myself it was a process of ending a life I no longer wanted: Mormonism, my marriage, my role as a housewife. I stopped attending the Mormon church, and took off the sacred temple garments I had worn for 15 years. I got the paperwork started for the divorce and I began looking for a place to live, a job and a way to keep my children. There was never a question of custody of the children at this point. We knew it would be a 50/50 shared custody. Although, I had to find a way to be independent and support the children. I talked to friends and family and told them as much as I could about what was going on. At this point I was unable to tell my family about my homosexuality, but I did tell a lot of my friends who to my surprise, were not surprised at all. They were all very supportive and seemed to have known I was a lesbian for quite some time.

I kept going and going, each day taking on a new task. I was pushing toward the shore at a very rapid pace, keeping my eye on the light and ignoring anything trying to deter me from my voyage. All at once I hit the biggest, most treacherous rock I had come upon. This rock tore a huge hole in my vessel. My heart broke open and I was thrown back out into sea. This time the hole was so huge I knew I was going to sink. My whole system shut down. I had what is termed as a "complete emotional breakdown." I was unable to function. I could not watch the children. I could not see anyone. All efforts toward going to the land of promise were halted. I had daily panic attacks. I may have had five minutes of peace a day if that. I did not know what was happening. I called friends. I could not breathe. I would pace the floor screaming and moaning. Such moans came from my body that I did not recognize them as human. Two friends came from Portland, packed my bags, and took me to their home for a few days. While I was there my body was under complete attack. I did not have control-something else did. Looking back I recognize this as my "spiritual breakthrough." At the time, it was incredibly painful.

I returned home a few days later. I told Dave I was sick and could not proceed with the divorce at this time. I was totally unable to do anything. Dave, who by this time had shut himself down emotionally to protect himself, managed to reach out to me. He supported me through this incredibly difficult time. We were both very unsure of what was happening and very scared. The children were not able to understand what was happening, but we talked with them all along, trying to be as open and honest with them as we could.

At this point I was being kept afloat by Dave's strength. His ship alone was keeping me from drowning. I had never before come so close to dying. I put all decisions on hold, and concentrated only on getting well. I got myself to the doctor and was put on two anxiety medications full dose; I was also taking homeopathic medicine, which was boosting my immune system. I was in therapy two or three times a week. I was heavily involved in self-healing through meditation, visualization and prayer. Friends were reaching out to me in every direction. I learned a great deal during this intense time of healing.

During this period of time I returned to a church called the Living Enrichment Center I attended a couple of times with friends. This was a New Thought church that called to me. I had been deeply touched while attending Sunday services there. I had never before been to a church like it. It was very different from the Mormon spiritual path I had been on all my life. The Reverend Mary Manin Morrissey spoke to me. Her energy reached into my heart and struck cords never struck in me before. LEC became the brightest of all lighthouses on the shore. When I attended LEC I was filled with love, acceptance and forgiveness for myself. The guilt and shame of generations were released. I learned there was a spirituality to me that went beyond Mormonism. When I left the Mormon church, I had somehow lost my spirituality. LEC helped me reconnect. I found God within. In this spiritual community I was not endured, but celebrated and supported.

A major turning point in my recovery was a workshop I attended at LEC about neuro-linguistic programming. I had never heard of it before, but after three hours I felt empowered again. A day after the workshop I practiced NLP for myself and almost immediately my doctor was able to cut one of my anxiety medications in half. Everyday I hit another medication wall and within a two week period I was completely off both medications. I had been on these medications a total of six weeks. Doctors had told me I would be on them for a minimum of a year. This was the first of so many miracles in my life.

Once off the medications, I began the decision process again. Dave and I went to three or four counseling sessions together and came to the conclusion that a divorce was the best for all of us. We turned in the direction of the shore once again. When I released myself from Dave's secure boat, I found it was difficult. I was still somewhat damaged, but the hole had been repaired enough to keep me afloat. I looked to the LEC lighthouse, which represented my spirituality and my personal connection with God. I had experienced God in a very personal and up-close way during my breakdown. I would never forget God was within me. I would never again wonder if I was doing the right thing or if God loved me. I had cleared out the inner vessel and there was room for nothing but pure light from this point forward. Now, I thank God daily for these experiences.

I was finally able to leave the home of my husband and get a job. I did what I had to do to keep in touch with my children. With my feet on dry land I was happy, and ready to do what ever had to be done. I held two jobs and traveled 45 miles (sometimes at 1:00 am after working a 13 hour shift) only to spend a few hours with my children and then head back to work again. It was physically exhausting, but it was better than where I had been. In my spare time I kept very busy with my new life, which consisted of new friends and new understandings of life and love. I soon gave up my two jobs and started working at LEC where there was such a warm, supportive and caring environment. I felt so blessed.

A short time before I started my new job at LEC, I attended a conference held in Seattle for Mormon gay and lesbians. Here I was surrounded by over a hundred brothers and sisters who had been through similar experiences: some still active, some believing but cast out, and others, like myself, on new spiritual paths.

I did not intend on meeting anyone special there, but as it was there was one person who reached out to my spirit and whom I connected with. She was sitting at a table surrounded by men, with one chair vacant. Something about her drew me to her. I sat down and was immediately interrogated by these men. It was as though I had walked into a family consisting of Suzie and her several brothers. Suzie and I hit it off immediately. It was a heart connection from the beginning. I do not recall an awkward moment when we had nothing to say to each other, or where we felt strange. It was a meeting of two old friends from some other time, some other place.

Suzie and I were involved from then on. My trip to Seattle became my initiation into a new, wonderful world where I finally belonged. During the time I shared with Suzie in Seattle, we connected on all levels. After the conference, Suzie went back to New York City and I to Portland. I thought I would continue my quest to find someone. All of these efforts fell short of what I had with Suzie even with 3000 miles between us. We continued to correspond through e-mail and the telephone-connecting and getting to know each other in a very safe environment. We went back and forth from New York to Oregon, each trip bonding us closer and closer. Our relationship was filled with everything I had only dared to dream of a few months earlier. We had tenderness, love, compassion, and understanding (everything Dave and I had experienced). But, we also had passion, romance and a physical and spiritual love that I had always hoped for and never experienced.

Several months later Suzie moved to Portland and we began our life together. We traveled through some ups and downs and became closer and more in love than ever before.On October 19, 1996, a very important ceremony took place in my life. Suzie and I celebrated our love in the midst of our loved ones by committing our lives and exchanging vows of love and dedication to one another. The ceremony was so powerful. Reverend Sally Rutis officiated and those in attendance brought their energy, their support and their love into this sacred space. The children took part in the ceremony as Suzie committed to support and love them as they grow and prosper. Buckets of tears were shed. Tears that just a year before were filled with anguish, anxiety and grief were now full of unconditional love and celebration.

Life is so much more meaningful, so much more alive. I have a committed life partner to travel and explore with. Suzie is with me and I with her, as we travel through this life. We share custody of the children with Dave and they love and cherish Suzie. All three of them on their own terms. I am not without fears of what challenges my children will encounter, but I do keep turning it over to God again and again knowing their paths are their own and they are loved deeply by their dad, their mom and their Suzie mom.

Together, Suzie and I now have the opportunity to shine our lights, and be the lighthouse to help guide others past the deadly rocks of inner darkness and turmoil. Whatever their challenge is, it can be overcome. Happiness and love are available for everyone.

I am blessed to be surrounded by people who love me unconditionally, who support and celebrate who I am. My home, my job, and my spiritual community are full of love. And although there are those in my life who do not have understanding or tolerance for my new life, I know in my heart they are on their own journey and they are exactly where they need to be.

I look forward to each day. I am no longer looking for an escape, a way out. I am no longer a victim of my past. The voyage I took was difficult, but it has brought me to this place in me where I am now-powerful and strong and free to love with all my heart, mind and soul. I learned from my time at sea, and I am free now to travel by land or by sea and know I am safe and loved.

*name has been changed