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Letters

Letter to My Family

September, 1998
By Marv

Dear Mom,

I enjoyed seeing you and spending time at home seeing everyone and participating in the wedding, etc...

I could have spent more time, but chose not to because my traveling companion was not welcome.

Although I understand your reasoning for asking that I not bring Sonny home, I think this was not only inhospitable to him but was also punitive and condemning to me. You explained that the reason had to do with sin and morality, but I belive the morality behind this request was flawed.

After talking to you on the phone, I felt like not coming home at all, like you had told me that as a sinner, I was not good enough to be part of the family, unless I kept my "sin" from showing. I won't apologize for being homosexual, as that isn't something that I chose, any more than you chose to be hetero. (Do you remember making such a choice?) Neither do I apologize for choosing to accept this reality and doing the best I can to live an honest healthy life as a gay man. That part was a choice. The choice in favor of mental health and happiness and against the depression, anxiety and misery of not accepting myself and struggling to change something that does not change was a good one. This choice required more emotional courage than anything I've ever done and I am proud of myself and the millions of others like me who who have faced fears, faced condemning families, churches and societies to live lives of integrity with no pretending. I want to question some of the assumptions that your request was based on. You told me that seeing me with another man would make people uncomfortable because it would remind them of my "sin." First you are assuming that Sonny is gay too, which you did not know. Granted, it was a safe bet, but it is possible for me to have freinds who are not gay, as I always have.

Second you would be assuming that we were "sinning" together which you also don't know; I told you we were not dating and we're not, furthermore my sexual activity or lack of is none of your business; as yours is none of mine. I'm also guessing (and could be wrong) that you were thinking that Sonny's gayness would somehow show, that you could tell by the way he acts or dresses or something which would cause discomfort. Contrary to stereotypes that people often have, there isn't any outward sign that would let the average person know that the average gay person is gay. Even if he or anyone else "seems" gay that does not make them any less of a person or any less worthy of respect and dignity.

Even if I did show up with a lover I would be respectful of your feelings and would save displays of affection for another time, even though it seems unfair to me to have to hide simple affection that any other couple in a relationship can show openly. All the assuming that you would have to do to feel uncomfortable with the idea of me showing up with another guy has a name: it's called judgement, the bad kind, also known as prejudice.

If I compare this with your treatment of other "sinners" in the family it shows clearly that simple and unfair prejudice is behind your treatment of me. A couple of examples come to mind, which I won't go into, but it would be good for you to figure out.

I realize that I'm coming down hard about this but it is because I want to be a part of the family and I would like to be treated with a basic level of respect, we'll call it Christian respect, as you are trying to live a Christlike life. I just want to suggest that your treatment of me has been less loving than it could be. I don't expect you to be perfect and I'm certainly not perfectly loving either, but that is what we're striving for right?

You're the only family I've got and all this strangeness and discomfort doesn't feel good. I feel like I'm this scary personage and that only certain topics are "safe" to talk about. I understand the weirdness but I'm asking for a little effort to see that I'm the same person I always was, and that I'm not hiding out up here in Seattle; it isn't my shame that is keeping me from being closer to the family, It's your (the family) shame. Even though I understand the origins of this shame, I am not responsible for it.

You may not agree with my conclusions, but now you know where I am coming from. You don't ever have to accept my choices, but we don't have to agree with each other's views to treat each other right. I do thank you for welcoming me home and it was good to see you. I do feel like you care about me but just don't quite know how to handle me.

There will be more chances in the future, who knows maybe I will have a partner someday, and will want you to know him. I know that will be scary for you but I would want to share someone special to me. How about if you meet me where I live? (Figuratively as well as literally) You're always welcome. Hope to hear back.

Love, Marv