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Suicide Prevention & Awareness

Stuart Matis (1967-2000)

Remembering Stuart

By Angi VanRemortel
July, 2001

I'm so sorry for not writing to your organization sooner. My friend at work shared with me that her husband committed suicide a few years ago, and I was again reminded of my friend Stuart Matis' suicide last year. Until just now, though, I hadn't realized the widespread coverage that his story received -- just did a search on the Internet. I was traveling when he took his life, and in addition to hearing it from a mutual friend, also saw a write-up in a tiny alternative newspaper published in Moab, Utah.

I lived across the street from Stuart, and we were longtime pals. It was actually his sister Katherine who was my playmate, but since Stuart and I were the same age we often hung out together, especially when we were teenagers. We both had large families, and although I was Catholic, I often attended Mormon youth dances with him and other friends since it was always a fun and wholesome atmosphere. We had something else in common. I had struggled with gay feelings for years, but kept convincing myself otherwise.

You know how lesbians often try to connect romantically with gay men in our young years? I had a "crush" on Stuart for years, he was so sweet and quiet, and I'd always try to get him to walk me home -- how silly. Here's a funny thing from 1985: I had suspicions about him being gay when he was the only boy in our school that went to see that cute boy band Duran Duran when they came to town. He went twice even! But since I was so confused, I never confronted him about it, a sad fact I now deeply regret. I wrote to him a few times when he went on his mission to Italy, but never heard from him after that until I got the awful news.

I feel incredibly guilty that I didn't know about him for sure, and that I wasn't able to hold him and tell him it would be OK, that I'd help him fight. It does give me some peace that his parents tried to support him, though. They are a sweet family, and they deserve our support also.

I just wanted to lend my support to you as well, and tell you more about my old friend Stuart. I miss him and know he is at peace with God, who loves him just as he was created.

My best to all of you.