Affirmation: Gay & Lesbian Mormons

Mother to Mother: A Crisis in My Belief System

By Sandra
Affinity 15:6 (June 1993)

[The following is excerpted from a letter from the mother of one gay son to the mother of another. Both are LDS. The names and locations have been changed to protect confidentiality.]

I can relate to the feelings you described in your letter. Nothing in my life prepared me for understanding homosexuality. I had never known a gay person personally, and I had avoided talking about it to anyone because I felt that it was a distasteful subject and not worthy of thinking about. It troubled me and I always felt sorry when people made jokes about it because I hated to make fun at another's expense. But I pretty much felt that it was a subject I would rather not concern myself about. It really breaks my heart now when I think about all the years Dale struggled with his sexual identity, feeling that something was seriously wrong with him and having no one to turn to for help. I simply wasn't there for him. I knew that he became very difficult and moody. He often seemed depressed and his art reflected a lot of anxiety. I interpreted this to be his artistic temperament and his rebellion because his father and I didn't encourage his choice to become an artist. He was so bright and excelled in all subjects, and we wanted him to pursue art as an avocation rather than try to earn a living from it.

During this period Dale had many friends who were girls; in fact, he spent more time with girlfriends than with boyfriends. He was never interested in competitive contact sports, and this alienated him from most of the boys in the ward since the Church promotes basketball so much. It bothered me that he was not accepted because he was different. He didn't seem to fit into either world. His non-Mormon friends were more accepting but he could not accept their standards. And the people with whom he shared moral teachings and habits excluded him as too different. He was never assigned to administer the Sacrament and when I asked the Bishop about that, he remained silent and never did change anything. Everyone who should have been helping him, instead turned their backs on him. He said that he couldn't go on a mission because "I have suffered enough."

When he was 21 Dale decide that he really wanted to go to art school in Chicago. We decide to support him in this and off he went. He had his Patriarchal Blessing before he left and I believe that he was still trying to "straighten himself out."

The following spring he told us that he had been struggling for years with his sexual identity. He told us that he had finally come to the conclusion that he was gay–it was not something that he had chosen and he had never been influenced by anyone who was gay. Actually, he had never known anyone who was a functioning, well adjusted gay person as he was growing up, so he had no role models to identify with. The evening he confided in us we all wept and I'll never forget his saying through his tears, "I don't believe that I am an evil person." That statement pierced my heart because I, too, knew he was not evil. In fact, he is one of the kindest and most sensitive people I have ever known.

I have had many trials to deal with in my life, but the fact of Dale's homosexuality is by far the most painful. This is probably because I cannot find any solace in my religious beliefs. I am completely in uncharted seas and I don't know what the answers are. However, there are some things which I know to be true. I know that Dale did not choose to be gay. Why would anyone choose a sexual identity that would bring so much pain and persecution, even from the people you would expect to have love and support from? When I think of all those adolescent years when he seriously contemplated suicide, feeling it was the only course open to him, I am filled with pain.

All of this has created a crisis in my belief system. I know that we are all created by God. I could accept some "hormone damage" in a few people, but not in 10% of the population. I can accept that rain falls on the just and the unjust and that we have to deal with innocent suffering. I can accept all the other disappointments and trials that have come to me. For all of these, there is some rational explanation and help from Church doctrine. But in this area, I feel no help from anyone or anything.

I am filled with sorrow when I realize that Dale went years without asking for our support and help because he did not think it would be forthcoming. That is a terrible thing to deal with–that my son did not think he could tell me. He was afraid that we would submit him to the [shock] treatments at BYU which he had heard horror stories about. He did not feel we would be compassionate. And I can't honestly say we would have been. I am a creature of my conditioning and nothing had prepared me to accept such a thing. But I am trying to make up for the past. I don't pretend to understand the Universe, but I do understand my own son. I feel that Christ would want me to love him, help him and accept him. Christ preached a message of forgiveness, love, understanding and hope. I have to cling to that–get back to the roots of my beliefs. I can't believe that cruelty can be an attribute of a Christian. If I am going to make an error in judgment, I have decided it will be the error of being too kind, too understanding and too loving. Perhaps this is my greatest test–to see if I can love unconditionally.

I am not having too much success mustering the courage to discuss this with friends and relatives who have very pronounced beliefs on the subject–all of which I know and understand because I held the same attitudes and beliefs very recently. I finally told my oldest sister, mainly because she said some very unkind things about gays in front of Dale. I was certain she would be remorseful if she learned about him and had to confront all her insensitive remarks from the past. I had expected to find some understanding, but I was disappointed. She revealed herself when she said, "Maybe Dale will get better." I knew then that she felt he was sick and could simply be cured. So much for informing the family. I don't think our other sons have confided in their wives. I frankly don't think either of them would be very understanding or open-minded on the subject.

I am enclosing an editorial from the newspaper which I think shows that many enlightened people are beginning to question the curtailment of civil rights because of sexual preferences.

Susan, I empathize with all the pain you are experiencing and I don't have any answers for you. But I think we could help to save our sons from emotional isolation. I believe in God and in His Son, Jesus Christ. And I believe in the saving principles of the Gospel. I simply don't understand all things, but I'm not going to let the things I don't understand destroy all the good things I do understand. I plan to keep praying and studying and hoping for some comfort. Please write to me again if you want to. I would love to hear from you. God bless you.

Love,
Sandra