Affirmation: Gay & Lesbian Mormons

After experiencing what it is like to be loved and to love in a relationship when I lived in California and New York, I cannot turn my back on, or shut out the experience of, the past, denying the possibility of deep and abiding love in the future.
Ben Clark's Photo: The New York Times

My Brokeback Mountain Experience

by Ben Clark
February 2006

Seeing the premiere of Brokeback Mountain here in Jackson Hole, Wyoming brought back a flood of emotion, since I grew up gay in Wyoming in a cowboy/ranching culture. I was born and raised in Jackson Hole. I'm a fourth generation native of the valley as my paternal great-grandparents Edith and Josiah Ferrin settled and raised several thousand head of cattle on 4,000 acres of land which my great-grandfather sold to the Rockefeller family. The Rockefellers in turn donated the land to form what is now part of Grand Teton National Park.

I have a great Wyoming heritage through my mother's side of the family as well. My mother was born and raised in the Big Horn Basin of Wyoming on a large ranch called The Pitchfork Ranch not far from Cody, Wyoming. Mom's parents managed the Pitch Fork dude ranch for many years. Mom eventually moved to Jackson Hole, Wyoming in 1948 where she lives to this very day.

My biological father was a cowboy named Jack Neal who rode bucking horses and also worked as an outfitter (hunting guide) with stock (horses and mules) in the wilderness areas north of Jackson Hole. My older brother Ronnie and older sister Lesley were raised in this culture and were part of the rich environment of old Jackson Hole. In fact my mother continued to compete in the rodeo event of barrel racing until she was 6 months pregnant with me. Due to alcoholic problems, Jack was divorced by my mother when she was pregnant with me. Not long after the divorce she met my father who adopted me when I was one year old and raised me to manhood. It was my father, Lew Clark, who brought the Ferrin heritage into our family. I can still remember sitting on my great grandmother Ferrin's lap when I was about five years old while she sang LDS hymns to me. She was a remarkable pioneer woman who had come to America from England with her mother who had joined the Mormon Church during the late 1880's. Grandma Ferrin helped my great grandfather with his 4,000 acre cattle ranch until the 1930's when he sold it to the Rockefeller family. Today the ranch is as pristine as it was during the time the Ferrins homesteaded the land.

As I grew up in the Jackson Hole, Wyoming, community, I was involved with my family in raising quarter horses for horse shows, rodeo, trail rides, hunting and camping trips, and the pure pleasure of riding in the mountains. Through the years, I helped my mother with her passion for horses and was involved with the 4-H club, horse shows and some rodeo events.

Learning the Gospel

I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints during the dawn of my teenage years because the Church had the answers to many of my questions. My brother Ronnie taught me much about the restored gospel that I have held near and dear to my heart since that time. I especially loved the Prophet Joseph Smith Jr., and read everything I could get my hands on about this amazing man. I was given a spiritual witness that he truly was a mighty prophet of God and I have never doubted it since. It was also during this time that I began to fear due to my increased and poignant awareness of being gay. I tried to force the feelings down and pretend that they did not exist. I was already highly sensitive but the fear of homosexuality taught to me by my cultural cowboy upbringing and through reading books like The Miracle of Forgiveness and Elder Packer's To Young Men Only made me terrified of it and of that part of myself. Because I was very tender-hearted and impressionable during my youth, I often felt depressed and fearful as a result of reading this material. I dared not even think about it for fear of giving myself away. What eventually happened was that I obsessed overcoming it because I did not want to appear to have any of those stereotypical "tendencies" in any way. I preferred reading stories from Church history, positive stories from Apostles like Neal A. Maxwell and about the pioneers a long with the scriptures to books that tended to produce guilt, fear and anguish in me. The stories of the Prophet Joseph Smith filled me with peace, joy and a love that I cannot describe. Fear and shame should never be a part of the restored gospel ("good news") of Jesus Christ as I see it. The gospel is a gospel of repentance (changing to become more like Christ) but the teachings should not have to dwell on the negative (sex negative language and fear) to produce positive results. Boundaries can be taught in a far more positive way than the way To Young Men Only and some others tend to teach these boundaries.

During my high school years, I got very involved in sports, including skiing, track, and horsemanship. I used to ask my father to take me hunting or fishing, as opposed to the reverse which is typical nowadays. I grew very close to my dad and knew him to be a remarkable man. The stereotypical pseudoscience we hear that gay men have distant fathers was not my story in any way.

I served a mission in Orange County, California and after returning from my mission I began working for a dude ranch in Jackson Hole for a great friend of mine from Church I had known since I was 17 years old. I had awesome experiences in the back country as a wrangler and cook working for the guests at the hunting camp. Part of my job was to get up at around 4:30 am, catch the horses in the meadow, feed, saddle and bridle them for the hunters who were staying in the camp. One night a grizzly bear came into our hunting camp when the first group of hunters had gone home and the second group were on their way into the back country. The bear sniffed around the tents and finally (fortunately) decided to leave. The wilderness outfitting and hunting camp experience is like going back to the 19th century. There is no electricity, no running water and no telephone. You have to pack the water from a nearby creek and heat it over a campfire or wood stove. I learned how to cook just about anything in a Dutch oven during this wonderful experience.

While leading on horseback, I have led a pack string (typically leading three to four pack mules) into and out of the wilderness covering approximately sixty miles which typically takes fourteen hours or more depending on whether you have any mishaps or not. It is long and backbreaking work to set up a hunting camp and to help keep it operating. These are some of the most wonderful times of my life. I love wilderness. I love being out there for long periods of time and not worrying about the concerns of civilization.

Coming Out

It was during the summer of the great Yellowstone Forest Fires in 1988 when I was working at the Jackson Hole Playhouse that I finally decided to start the long journey of coming out and acknowledging to myself and others about my sexual orientation.

That experience took me on a long journey from Wyoming to California then on to New York City where I got my bachelor's degree at New York University, then to Utah where I lived from 1996 to 1999 and finally back home to Jackson Hole, Wyoming. This whole period of approximately ten years taught me a lot about who I am and what it means to find someone to love and to be loved by.

The conflict I have felt through the years between myself and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has been lessened as I have been witness to many gay and lesbian people's stories and as I have realized that I am not alone and that God really does love me the way I am. I have cried with my gay and lesbian LDS friends, laughed with them and have done all in my power to nurture and support them as they have me. The Church has come a long way over the years. There are some wards that are more supportive than others but I really believe that through time, and with a lot more truth and reality things are going to continue to change more than we ever anticipated. The gay community has to change as well. We need to love more and be accepting of others as well and nurture one another more. We also need to be much more dedicated to the cause of human rights than we are.

My experience in Utah has been the most poignant in my life and taught me a lot. I love all of my friends I have met there through Affirmation, Reconciliation, and Family Fellowship. They have been an anchor of friendship for me and have truly helped me keep a positive outlook and perspective on life.

“Brokeback Mountain” Could Have Been My Story

My life in Jackson Hole, Wyoming has kept me very busy as I have co-founded the Committee to Save Historic Jackson Hole (a political action committee dedicated to open space, protection of Jackson's historic character, etc.). I also helped save my old elementary school in Wilson, Wyoming and turn the building into a wonderful community center of which I am currently a board member. I do not define myself by my sexual orientation, however I do acknowledge that it is a very crucial aspect of who I am. I am also very dedicated to human rights including the rights of gay and lesbian people to marry. That is a basic right that this nation (especially our current U.S. President) has got to come to grips with no matter what his personal religious beliefs are.

It is very ironic when I am around gay folks in places like Salt Lake City that I am often accused of being pretty conservative. When I'm around my family, straight friends and Church members they typically call me a big liberal. Maybe I'm just middle of the road. All I know is that just because I am gay does not mean that I need to throw out the values I was raised with nor should I. You can take the boy out of the country but you can't take the country out of the boy and that includes those time honored and proven values I was raised with.

Brokeback Mountain is a story of how my life could have been had I not moved away to California, New York, and Utah. I most likely would have remained in the closet and would have been extremely fearful of being myself. I cannot think of a more limiting life than that.
Photo: Focus Features

I think the greatest tragedy of Jack and Ennis DelMar in Brokeback Mountain is that they did not have the knowledge, the support, nor the tools to tip the scales to make their relationship work for the long haul. Their story is a story of how my life could have been had I not moved away to California, New York and Utah. I most likely would have remained in the closet and would have been extremely fearful of being myself. I cannot think of a more limiting life than that. The greatest message of hope that Ennis spoke in the movie was while he looked at the photo of Brokeback Mountain and at Jack's shirt and he softly said "Jack, I swear." These three words were the most powerful and moving to me because they hit home. We are taught early on that we can never have long lasting, real love because we love people of our own gender. This phobia is often instilled in our very core and it is extremely difficult to extricate it. However, after experiencing what it is like to love and be loved I can truly say that those people who have taught that I cannot have real, long lasting, committed love with another man have sold me a bill of goods. That is their own perception but they are not me and can never know or fully understand this reality. They can try to understand by opening their minds a little however and that makes a world of difference.

After experiencing what it is like to be loved and to love in a relationship when I lived in California and New York, I cannot turn my back on, or shut out the experience of, the past, denying the possibility of deep and abiding love in the future.