Affirmation: Gay & Lesbian Mormons

Parent to Parent: I Felt I Was Alone

By Carl O. McGrath
January, 1994

Dear Brother McGrath,

I felt that I was alone in the world until I listened to a tape you had made for a PFLAG convention. It was such a relief to feel that there was someone that could understand how the Church could be your whole world and be very active and then to feel totally alienated from that which was your center–I guess if you truly had Christ as your center rather than the Church you would be on firmer ground. My ancestry in the Church goes back to the beginnings of the Church. I have been a Relief Society President twice and served for 12 years as the Stake Young Women's President. I have two sons who served missions for the Church and one daughter. All have been very active. My oldest son is very gifted–a professional musical theater star. He has worked in Utah, Idaho and here in Kansas . . . and he is gay.

Our son is in a ward that adjoins the ward that we are in. It is a ward that we lived in for many years. About a year ago my son was assigned a home teacher who evidently suspected his gayness and started harassing my son. After several months of un-Christian acts the home teacher sent [my son] a form letter asking what he wanted to do with his membership and to mark the correct box.

My son was taken aback at the insensitivity of such an act and felt that he had had enough and marked the box that said he wanted his membership taken. Two months later, with no contact from anyone in between, he received a second letter, this time from the bishop, informing him of the date of his court.

We had no knowledge of any of this until it was over. My son told me that he waited until he felt no angry feelings (in case they would say that he was full of sin) and he wrote a letter to the Stake Presidency about the Church, about his mission to West Virginia and about how the Church would always be a part of his life. He made one request–that someone contact him and let him know their feelings and what action was taken. He was excommunicated that night and no one has ever contacted him. No one went to him and put their arms around him to say, "Even though we don't understand, we appreciate you for who you are and for the service you have given. We love you and hope you will come back." No one came to talk to us either and we all feel alienated and cast out. When asked about it, our bishop said only, "Well, it's hard to talk about. Quit worrying about your children." These are all men I worked alongside for years. I hope that you can understand my pain.

I have had a great struggle accepting homosexuality, but I am making progress because of the great respect and love that I have for my son. I have been to two PFLAG meetings and have found support there. I am reading and talking and working this through–but the Church is another situation. I feel very uncomfortable attending a church where love and understanding are not important. Can you help me? Can you relate to this? What advice can you offer–any insights to help me survive? May the Lord bless you for what you are doing–only someone else in the Church can understand.

Sincerely,
Sally Morse
Wichita, Kansas

Dear Sally,

Thank you for sharing your story. I shared it with my wife, Muiriel, and we read it with full recognition of the sorrow you described around what happens to us and our relationship with the Church when we find our son or daughter are as authentically gay or lesbian as we are straight. I know a lot about that feeling of being alone in the world; of not knowing another LDS parent I could talk to who has a lesbian or gay child.

My stake president tried to convince me that Geoff was not really gay, that he just thinks he is, and the sooner he could get that idea out of his head the better. He said that my responsibility as a father was to convince Geoff he is not gay and that I should get him to a therapist for "reorientation."

I told the stake president that I had always believed what the Church leaders (Handbook of Instructions, Miracle of Forgiveness, etc.) had told me about homosexuality over my 48 years in the Church. And I applied it to all the lesbians and gays I dealt with during the five years I served as bishop. I disfellowshipped one and threatened to excommunicate another. But that was before I experienced Geoff's coming out to me.

I also told the stake president that I was no longer able to believe that Church leaders are any wiser on this topic than the culture of which they are products. Indeed, no Church authority claims to have received revelation on same-sex orientation. My stake president asked me to recant those beliefs. When I told him it would be like asking Paul to deny what he experienced on the road to Damascus, he revoked my temple recommend and released me from the Stake High Council. Two years later he excommunicated Geoff because he presumed, without proof or admission of guilt, that "he had sex with a man."

That same week I wrote a letter of resignation and now I am no longer a member of the Church. I did all of this in a friendly manner without bitterness (although, I might add, not without pain), but I have no regrets. It has been 2 1/2 years since I resigned.

I believe I have done enough of my own healing that I can now weather the atmosphere which tended to be on the toxic side for me as a parent who affirms lesbians and gays. My desire is to contribute to the creation of a welcoming atmosphere in my old ward for gays, lesbians, bisexuals, their parents, other family members and their friends. As it turns out, parents like you and me are far from alone.

One in four families has a lesbian or gay member. As you look around your own ward, I believe that the 1-in-10 estimate is conservative. They are in our bishoprics, Relief Society presidencies, they bless and pass the Sacrament to us and they are blessed as infants on Fast Sunday. They desperately need role models and parents like us to look to for support and hope. My own son didn't have that and I didn't know until he was a returned missionary that he had suicidal inclinations by the time he was eight years old.

Three months ago, Bishop Robert Rees of Los Angeles came to the Seattle 5th Ward and gave a talk in a fireside on "Homosexuality: A Mormon Christian Response." This was an historic first for the Northwest–to have a devoted member of the Church speak on this topic in an LDS meeting house . . . . Muiriel and I are [former] Directors of Family Services of Affirmation: Gay & Lesbian Mormons. I am pleased you took the time to write me. Please consider joining Affirmation and receiving the newsletter, Affinity.

Sincerely,
Carl O. McGrath
Seattle, Washington