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Youth Frequently Asked Questions Sexual Orientation
Sexual orientation is one of the four components of sexuality and is distinguished by an enduring emotional, romantic, sexual or affectional attraction to individuals of a particular gender. The three other components of sexuality are biological sex, gender identity (the psychological sense of being male or female) and social sex role (adherence to cultural norms for feminine and masculine behavior). Three sexual orientations are commonly recognized: homosexual, attraction to individuals of one's own gender; heterosexual, attraction to individuals of the other gender; or bisexual, attractions to members of either gender. Persons with a homosexual orientation are sometimes referred to as gay (both men and women) or lesbian (women only). Sexual orientation is different from sexual behavior because it refers to feelings and self-concept. Persons may or may not express their sexual orientation in their behaviors. Homosexual orientation is not limited to a particular type of person. Gay men and lesbians are of all ages, cultural backgrounds, races, religions and nationalities. They work in all occupations and live in all parts of the country. What causes a person to have a particular sexual orientation? How a particular sexual orientation develops in any individual is not well understood by scientists. Various theories have proposed differing sources for sexual orientation, including genetic or inborn hormonal factors and life experiences during early childhood. However, many scientists share the view that sexual orientation is shaped for most people at an early age through complex interactions of biological, psychological and social factors.
No. Psychologists, psychiatrists and other mental health professionals agree that homosexuality is not an illness, mental disorder or emotional problem. Much objective scientific research over the past 35 years shows us that homosexual orientation, in and of itself, is not associated with emotional or social problems. Homosexuality was thought to be a mental illness in the past because mental health professionals and society had biased information about homosexuality since most studies only involved lesbians and gay men in therapy. When researchers examined data about gay people who were not in therapy, the idea that homosexuality was a mental illness was found to be untrue. In 1973 the American Psychiatric Association confirmed the importance of the new research by removing the term "homosexuality" from the official manual that lists all mental and emotional disorders. In 1975 the American Psychological Association passed a resolution supporting this action. Both associations urge all mental health professionals to help dispel the stigma of mental illness that some people still associate with homosexual orientation. Since the original declassification of homosexuality as a mental disorder, this decision has subsequently been reaffirmed by additional research findings and both associations.
No. Even though homosexual orientation is not a mental illness and there is no scientific reason to attempt conversion of lesbians or gays to heterosexual orientation, some individuals may seek to change their own sexual orientation or that of another individual (for example, parents seeking therapy for their child). Some therapists who undertake this kind of therapy report that they have changed their clients' sexual orientation (from homosexual to heterosexual) in treatment. Close scrutiny of their reports indicates several factors that cast doubt: many of the claims come from organizations with an ideological perspective on sexual orientation, rather than from mental health researchers; the treatments and their outcomes are poorly documented; and the length of time that clients are followed up after the treatment is too short. In 1990 the American Psychological Association stated that scientific evidence does not show that conversion therapy works and that it can do more harm than good. Changing one's sexual orientation is not simply a matter of changing one's sexual behavior. It would require altering one's emotional, romantic and sexual feelings and restructuring one's self-concept and social identity. Although some mental health providers do attempt sexual orientation conversion, others question the ethics of trying to alter through therapy a trait that is not a disorder and that is extremely important to an individual's identity. Not all gays and lesbians who seek therapy want to change their sexual orientation. Gays and lesbians may seek counseling for any of the same reasons as anyone else. In addition, they may seek psychological help to "come out" or to deal with prejudice, discrimination and violence. I think I'm gay. Should I get involved with Evergreen? Evergreen International is an organization for gay Mormons who want to be celibate or heterosexually married. Evergreen claims that individuals can diminish same-sex attraction, and they want to "help" you to do so. Some people who have participated in Evergreen but who have since left say that Evergreen was a positive experience in the sense that it gave them a place where they could first begin to talk about sexual orientation and come to terms with their gayness. Other gay Mormons are convinced that Evergreen is dangerous because it offers false hope and false teachings about sexual orientation. Some gay Mormons even believe Evergreen to be hypocritical and deceptive. Before getting involved with Evergreen, be aware of the following misconceptions taught by Evergreen: Misconception #1. You are not gay--you are just "struggling" with "same-sex attraction." Fact: Many gay and lesbian individuals attest that sexual orientation is a fundamental part of who they are. Like heterosexual attraction, homosexual attraction involves emotional bonding and deep, personal investment in others' lives. Just as many people define themselves in terms of their heterosexuality (wife, husband, father, mother), so many gay and lesbian people regard their homosexuality as fundamental to their sense of who they are. Misconception #2: Evergreen will help "cure" you of homosexuality. Fact: Homosexuality is not something that needs to be "cured" in the first place. The majority of mental health professionals (as represented by the American Psychological Association, the American Psychiatric Association, and the National Association of Social Workers) have concluded that homosexuality is not a mental illness or disorder and that there is no credible evidence a person's sexual orientation can change. Misconception #3: Homosexuality will make you unhappy. Fact: Accepting yourself for who you are will make you much happier than living in denial. Gay and lesbian people can live happy and productive lives. They can enjoy monogamous, long-term relationships and start their own families. In many countries they can marry or become legal partners and can even adopt children. Misconception #4: Evergreen will help you "heal" spiritually. Fact: Evergreen wants you to believe that by repressing your sexual orientation you will be pleasing our Heavenly Father. However, scores of gays and lesbians attest that by accepting their homosexuality they became happier people, grew spiritually, and drew closer to God.
Many gay or lesbian Mormons--gay men especially--have served missions. Many say that their mission was an important positive experience in their lives. Others look back on their mission as a very negative experience. Here are some things to consider as you grapple with this decision: As a missionary, you will be with a same-sex companion twenty-four hours a day. It's not uncommon to hear gay returned missionaries joke about being attracted to their companions, but in fact that kind of sexual tension can be highly stressful. A mission is a time of intense same-sex bonding; it's also a time when you will be susceptible to feeling lonely or down. How will you cope with the temptations that situation will create? The Church, for its part, does not want gay missionaries: individuals who have confessed to homosexual acts are supposed to wait three years before they can be cleared for missionary service (individuals who have confessed to heterosexual acts only have to wait one year). Therefore, to serve a mission as a gay or lesbian person, you will have to be closeted. How will being closeted affect your spiritual or emotional health? Missionary service is meant to prepare you for adulthood as a Latter-day Saint. This includes a lifetime of church activity, not to mention temple marriage and raising a family. If you have accepted that you are gay or lesbian--and if one of your goals is a same-sex partnership--then you're setting yourself up for a life path very different from the one that a mission is meant to set you up for. What do you see as the benefits of serving a mission, given your life goals as a gay or lesbian person? If you decide to serve a mission despite the serious challenges that mission life presents for a gay or lesbian person, you need to be absolutely clear about why you're doing this. What do I do after I've told my parents I'm gay and I'm starting to feel scared? It's only human to feel scared or nervous in the face of a new situation. Let's be candid, this is a very challenging time, BUT you are not alone. FIND SUPPORT An important thing is to find loving and supportive adults and friends that you feel safe talking to. Secondly, your Heavenly Parents love you unconditionally, questioning and all. You will NOT go to hell for questioning your sexuality. This is not church doctrine. Never forget that your Heavenly Parents are there for you, even in your most confused times. Talk to them, openly and candidly about your feelings and concerns. Don't be hard on yourself or judge yourself for feeling miserable. There are safe and loving ways to deal with the situations you are facing. TALK WITH THOSE WHO CARE The important thing for you at this point is to find some adults that you can talk to without feeling scared or confused. You are not alone. Many teenagers and young adults are questioning their sexual orientation and don't yet have a firm answer. Sometimes people go well into their 20's and 30's before they really understand this part of themselves. The important thing is that you are asking, and wanting to talk. Things to keep in mind when looking for someone to talk to include:
RESOURCES THAT MAY HELP Where can you find someone to talk to who can provide you with the good listening skills I mentioned above? Think about others in your family you can talk to. An older sister, aunt, cousin or uncle perhaps? What about at church? Your bishop, young adult director or MIA teacher may be good advocates. Another good place is your school, where a teacher, counselor or youth group leader may be able to listen and help. Many schools across the country are starting youth after school programs for youth who are questioning their sexuality. (See website addresses in the Youth Section of Affirmation's web site.) Many young people or their parents also seek out a professional counselor to help them talk things out and work together. They too should meet the above "listening" criteria. There is a group called Family Fellowship that is run by Mormon parents who have a gay/questioning family member. Here are a couple of examples of correspondence from them:  A
Mother's Witness Parent
to Parent: I Felt I Was Alone
Family Fellowship is a GREAT resource for your parents. They have a newsletter and monthly meetings in the Utah area. Visit their website at: http://www.ldsfamilyfellowship.org. Another group of parents and family members is PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). They have a lot of information and great resources for parents who have a child that is questioning their sexual orientation. They are a national organization and there may be a chapter in your area. Many young people and their parents attend PFLAG meetings and find a lot of positive support. Go to their web site at: http://www.pflag.org. You will also find helpful documents on Affirmation's "Especially for Youth" web site pages, especially those from LDS parents writing to their children. Your parents may also be scared and feeling alone with no one to talk to. Their actions and words may reflect a genuine but misinformed idea of what your sexual feelings mean. You may be able to be a support to them as much as they are to you when together you seek answers. Finally, you will always be welcome at Affirmation meetings and conferences, where you can meet hundreds of gays and lesbians who are Mormon or ex-Mormon. These people have already gone through what you are now facing and may be able to help by sharing their experience with you. They will also be in a good position to listen and understand because, once again, they have already "been there." Affirmation has been a life saver for many Mormon youth who found relief from the pressures and outright hate coming from those who should be our greatest supporters. Simply by being together we can find peace.
Letter to a young friend: I'd like to share some personal experiences with you that I hope can shed some light on your very important questions. Know that I really understand your confusion, and there are no clear answers. One of the most important things that I have come to realize and remember (from my Church teachings of my youth) is that our Heavenly Father has promised each of us the gift of personal revelation in addition to the teachings of the Church and our prophet. And for me that has meant that my Heavenly Parents love me and only want my happiness. I have also come to a quiet understanding, for myself that, the question of same sex orientation in the Church is something that will take a while to resolve, and may not be resolved in my own lifetime. And its just not in our Church but in the world in general. Remember back when the Church did not accept Blacks into the priesthood? and now they do? Although some may not agree with me, I see our situation in much the same way. And for now, some of these things just may have to be resolved, FOR NOW, between you and your Heavenly Parents who love you very much. I know this may sound confusing and it places quite a heavy burden on us — especially because we live in a society and church where there are very few places for LDS gays to go to celebrate their faith and spirituality. That makes it especially more difficult. As I hope you discover, through Affirmation, and by hearing stories of others, there is no "right" solution that works for everyone. Many people have stayed in the Church and have remained faithful to the current church teachings of celibacy except in lawful marriage, some have married, others, have divorced, and still others have remained single. Others, have left the church, and yes, many have either chosen to be excommunicated or it has been brought upon them. Many are living single, many are in long term partnerships, many are dating, often seeking out and partnering with others who are also LDS. But for each person, this has been a personal decision, and here at Affirmation, we respect each person's journey as unique. No one has a right to judge another's actions. It is a matter, like so many others have done before you, that you must do for yourself, through careful soul-searching, through prayer, meditation, and careful thought, that only you can decide. Peace, harmony, a love of yourself, of your family, of those you may date, of your friends, of those around you, and love of your Heavenly Parents, should be your guiding principle. If you are doing something, feeling something, that also isn't congruent with these other important principles, maybe it should be something that you should reconsider. If you are in a situation for example, where you feel a loathing for yourself, or hate or feel loathing towards someone/something else, it may not be the right place for you to be, or the right thing for you to do at that time. I can personally testify to this in my own life. What I know is that God loves me, and wants only my happiness. BUT, it is for ME to work out. I've been in some pretty bad situations in my life, not unlike some of of your own history, bad relationships, etc., but when I finally began to realize the above principles, my life began to turn around. I also came across Affirmation, and realized that there was a global network of people who come from an LDS background who share/d my same struggles, and JOYS. And, I began seeing my world in a completely different way. Many of the people I had associated, with, dated, (yes, women and several men), were not good for me. I often felt sad, empty, and used. I also realized I was partying too much, only demeaning myself to feeling anything, and only bringing more misery in my life. I WAS NOT LIVING ACCORDING TO MY OWN STANDARDS, and deep inside I knew it. Something had to give, and thought I was going to totally go off the deep end. Beginning about 6 years ago, I began a process of some heavy soul-searching that resulted from a long period of being physically ill. And I realized I was going about things all the wrong way. I hated myself, and everyone around me. And, as I began to take stalk of my life, I began to talk to God, as I had in my youth. I mean really really talk. Leaving nothing out... Slowly I began to realize they talked back, and many, many quiet understandings became apparent to me. Over the years, my life has changed so much. They gave me the strength to make some major changes in my life, change my circle of friends, and at that time, I also learned of Affirmation, and of Family Fellowship and have been actively involved with both groups ever since. Now as I seek truth, and love from my Heavenly parents, I see now the kinds of people who are good for me. I also began to realize that the most important activities that bring peace and contentment into my life, involve service. I believe in reaching out to others, especially young people such as yourself, and I believe God has had a purpose for me and others who, like me, are also reaching out those who could use a little support. This has also enabled me to keep all of me together, my emotional, spiritual, and intimate sides. It has truly been a wonderful experience. Anyway, this is what is working for me but it may not be the path for you. For you see, each individual needs to choose for him/herself the best way to peace and happiness under the guidance of our Heavenly Parents. There are many, many good things about our LDS Heritage. Ironically, the reason Affirmation exists, that you found our Youth Services and that you and I are just talking to each other, is because of our LDS value system that places a high regard on fellowship and service to others. This is a great example of some wonderful things that our upbringing has given us. We have such a strong desire to help others, to be of service, and to fellowship - just as we are doing right now writing each other. These are some of the "true principles" of the Church and Christ-like living. These are the absolutely cool things that we have been raised to believe and live by.... Sadly there are also not so good things. Our congregations are made up of people, and people are human, subject to frailties and prejudices like anyone else. For the most part, people aren't ready for change yet. However, I've met so many wonderful LDS families and church leaders who have completely accepted their gay sons, sisters, brothers, fathers, mothers, and congregation members. The tremendous outpouring of support that Family Fellowship has offered LDS gays and lesbians stands as a true testament to the principles of Christ-like love. Things are slow, but things are changing. I do believe that it is up to us, you, me, and others you will also be in contact with, to be the pioneers, to "get our own acts" together and live our lives as good people, regardless of what others think. And over time, as people realize, we're here, and not going away, that we are decent people too, they will change. We deserve this. And YOU deserve this much. You sound like a very special person. I can't begin to tell you how in awe I've been at the young people I have been in touch with, like yourself. I have learned so much about myself and about the world as seen through your eyes. I do hope some of what I wrote today can help you begin to put the pieces together for your own life. I admire your contacting Affirmation. My young friend, you are very brave and I'm proud that you contacted us and have allowed us to be of service to you. Your friend, Allison
Your confusion and frustration is more common than you may be aware. Affirmation is full of people just like you, who are currently (or have at one time) facing the same issues. It is hard to know from your brief description above, but it sounds like you may have tendencies that other children identified as being gay. Don't let cultural choices about how men and women "should" behave keep you from loving yourself. Just be you—the best you that you can. Growing up in a culture and church that does not offer any kind of support or education about people like us leaves us wondering if our feelings are real or if and when we might someday wake up and feel the sexual urges that "everyone else" feels for the opposite sex. Having gone through this, and having a few years now to reflect back, your Affirmation friends will tell you that the attraction you have (whether for the same or opposite sex) is the one you will have for the rest of your life. By your age you already know who you are attracted to. And your feelings are shared by about 10% of the human population. Now you simply have to work out what all this means. Are you the pervert that your church and family tells you you are? Gays and lesbians too often internalize these kinds of thoughts and let them eat us up inside. It's hard to know better, when, as a child you have no other source for truth that the carefully controlled society of Mormonism. But this you must do, and Affirmation is a great place to start. First, realize that a large part of your society does not understand you. That they often suspect your motives. Some even hate you just for being you. For some, your sexuality is a threat to their power relationship with women. You are an example of how men can love women without dominating them. For this, they would wish you harm. False and harmful messages about homosexuality are also a part of our religious teachings. Some would have us believe that this prejudice is inspired by God. This is a lie. All of these harmful, hate-inspired attitudes are from a source other than God. You do not have to accept these beliefs and teachings. Learn this instead: You are the person that God intended you to be. God created your mind, soul and body, and this includes your sexual feelings. Your attraction for the same sex is not a mistake, not a defect. You are worthy of love, praise and companionship. Your righteous desires are supported by God. God will be your companion always, even when your misguided religious community tells you that you are unworthy. Through the Spirit you can learn for yourself the truth about who you are, and what God would have of you. You can know that you are on the right track by feeling the companionship of the Holy Spirit on your journey through life. Don't waste your time praying for something you may not need: for God to "cure" you. Instead pray for guidance about what God would have of you. If this means being the best gay person you can, then so be it. This realization will give you the courage to love and accept yourself. It will also open your eyes to a whole new world of truths and potentials for good. How can you be gay/lesbian and be a member of the church when it says in the Proclamation on the Family that "The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan"? Like many things we read from the church leaders, the Proclamation on the Family must be read with open eyes. The fact is, no one knows for sure what the next life will bring. The assumption that our male/female partnerships are modeled after God's relationship is just that, an assumption. That's not to say that it can't be correct. But if it is, it does not represent the total plan that God has in store for us, since God is responsible for creating sexual diversity in the world. We have yet many things to discover, some of which may come as a surprise to the know-it-alls in the church. As gays and lesbians, we know from experience with church leaders that they are hardly in a position to be giving counsel on sexual issues. Their shameful teachings and actions over the years reveals their willingness to remain ignorant and cover up truth when it comes to homosexuality. There are too many victims and examples to deny this reality. The best that can be said is that the Proclamation on the Family addresses only that portion of the human family that is heterosexual, while ignoring the peculiar circumstances of those who are different because they are gay or lesbian. This would not be first time in Christian history that such limited vision has ruled the day. Even in the New Testament period, it took a special direct revelation to the apostle Peter for him to understand that the gospel message was for all people, not just Jews. Up till that point, he was absolutely certain that Gentiles had no place in the gospel and thus he directed his message only to fellow Jews. Just as we now know that he was wrong, church leaders who have a similarly narrow vision of human sexuality will also one day have to revise their views and recognize that the many mansions in God's kingdom include room for non-heterosexuals too. See also: The Proclamation on the Family Separating the Church and the Gospel |
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